Lisa's Children's Corner

Giving Your Child An Allowance - Does It Really Send The Right Message?

2012-01-25T08:04:00.000-08:00

Author's Note: Before I discuss my views on allowances let me go bar my front door, pull my shades, and shut off all my lights. I need to hide from those who will want to tar and feather me.

Ok - here goes:
I don't believe in allowances, and I don't believe kids need allowances in order to learn the value of money or importance of managing it wisely. In fact, particularly today, I believe that too much money when kids aren't old enough (or willing) to work for it can create problems that would not otherwise have arisen.

Does An Allowance Really Send the Right Message?

When my kids were young I dealt with the money issue the same way my own parents did: Parents covered all necessary expenses, school events and needs, special occasion needs (like birthday gifts for parties) and a limited amount of entertainment expenses (the occasional movie or tickets for a trip to an amusement park, baseball game, etc.). The entertainment expenses were kept limited, and parents explained how only so much money could/should be spent on entertainment. Aunts and grandmothers often sent money at birthday times, and children could save. Sometimes grandmothers would hand a grandchild a couple of dollars just because they thought it was a nice thing to do. School promotion time brought cards with a few dollars in them. Kids were encouraged to save up their money to buy something worthwhile, and for some reason that's what usually happened.

Christmas and birthdays offered the chance for kids to have "one, big, gift" and a bunch of smaller ones. It was always made clear to kids that they should choose their "one, big, gift" wisely. During non-special times of year adults would buy the occasional small item for children just because it’s kind of nice to get a little toy or activity that's new and different, but kids understood there was a limit to the number of toys/activities bought in any one week and a limit on the amount spent.

Kids were told, "We'll cover the basics, but if you want to do something to earn a little extra spending money we'll help in any way we can." It was generally established that even before a kid gets to be of working age there are often little jobs s/he can do. At eleven I went to the store for neighbor-mothers with babies and was given fifty cents each time. There were also times when the young mothers would give me fifty cents for pushing their baby (in a carriage) back and forth near the house for a while, so they could get some work done. I was thirteen when I began babysitting.

Because I was a reliable and sensible babysitter more and more neighbors requested my services. It wasn't long before I had a monopoly in the neighborhood, and there was one, particularly special, family who moved but came back to pick me up so I could still sit. (I sat for them until I was 19, and their kids were big, even after I began working at 16.)

Newspaper routes were a way kids could earn money. My own eleven-year-old son earned the money to buy his first Nintendo system and was very proud of having done that.

In general, the way my family has always done things, children haven't felt particularly deprived because parents covered as many expenses as they did. Young children don't really need much more, and it isn't until a kid gets to be thirteen or so when the wish to have more spending money starts to get really strong. A kid that age can often find a way to earn some extra money, but if s/he cannot s/he will only have to wait a little while before being old enough to find a "real" part-time job. Thirteen to fifteen or so tend to be ages when kids are at high risk of getting into a little trouble, and I think the limitations of having little money can often keep a kid home at a time when too much out-and-around time isn't always good. Once kids were old enough to become employed it was understood that if they wanted extra spending money they needed to work for it. If they chose not to work they would need to live within parents' budgets when it came to spending money.

Our family had the general attitude that family members are supposed to help other family members at times - not because they'll be paid for services but because that's what families do. My belief (like my parents' was) has always been that it is the parents' responsibility to cover the expenses of childrearing, and providing for adequate social and entertainment activities is part of normal childrearing. "Adequate", however, is very different from "all the socializing and entertaining you want". In general, the idea always was that younger children's extra spending needs are fairly limited. Once teenagers get old enough to want to get a car, go out eating, and do things that require more money their "extra expenses" become a little higher and require a little pitching in on their part.

I've never believed I needed to hand my children money that was under the name of "allowance" just because they were my children. My kids had plenty of things and somehow had learned to be very careful with all those dollar bills and five-dollar bills they had been given at birthday time or upon accomplishment.

To me, it didn't seem like such a bad idea to let them know that dependence on others is for children and that a fixed weekly income comes when a person is willing and able to work for it. I wanted them to know if they needed anything they had me (and their father) to provide it, and when it came to things they wanted we'd provide as much as we could. My parenting was, to me, not a business arrangement. Somehow offering an allowance and getting into a whole, big, formal, arrangement as "allowance-payer" wasn't my idea of how things should be done. I wanted a less formal arrangement as provider, but it was also important to me that my children learn that when all is said and done people who want more money or stuff than they already have must work for it. To me, learning that there are limitations when one must be dependent on others helped children realize that part of being grown-up is working and earning a little more independence as a result of it.

At eleven years old I was proud that those young mothers trusted me to get exactly what they asked for from the store or to push their babies. I'd save up four of those quarters and use them to buy Barbie outfits, which at the time were usually about two dollars. All those neighborhood babysitting jobs (that earned me about $50 a week decades ago) made me feel as if people (other than my parents) saw me as a trustworthy, capable, individual. When I got a job as a supermarket cashier a couple of weeks after turning sixteen I was not only able to buy an ugly suede jacket for myself, but I learned how to overcome shyness and be friendly toward strangers, as well as overcome it enough to use the paging system. I made a lot of new, different, friends at the store as well. Most importantly, perhaps, I learned what it feels like to have a reputation as "one of the best and reliable cashiers".

Having one's "own money" is very different from being handed money by one's parents.
Parents can obviously teach their children about money in the way they sit fit, and I don't think allowances are the worst thing in the world. Its just that I don't think an allowance is always the best way to teach the value of money and good money management, and there's at least the chance the offering an allowance can blur the line between "providing for" and "own money". There may also be the chance that kids who are handed a fixed amount of cash each week could actually miss out on learning some of the ideas about money that most of us hope they will learn.

Ok. There, I've said it. If nobody with tar and feathers shows up by tomorrow I'll assume I'm safe.

Are Intelligent People More Likely to Abuse Drugs?

2011-11-16T16:20:00.000-08:00

Are Intelligent People More Likely to Abuse Drugs?

Just Thoughts on Raising Children to Be Responsible

2011-10-09T23:22:00.000-07:00

The best way to have children turn out to be responsible adults may be to be a very responsible adult, so they see what a responsible adult does.

So often I've heard parents talk about how they insist that their children do household chores "so they'll learn to be responsible". Sometimes these are even chores the parents have decided they, themselves, will no longer do because "the children need to learn". I'm not "anti-chores" when the matter is handled in a way that is reasonable; but sometimes parents require children to do the very chores they, the parents - whose responsibility those chores are - won't do them!

The parent who sits on the couch behind a newspaper every evening, rather than spending time with the children or even doing housework, is showing children that when people grow up they don't need to do what someone else wishes they would. The parent who sits and talks to another parent (or on the cell phone) at the park and gets so engrossed in conversation may not notice if her child needs something. I'm not saying parents shouldn't socialize, but we've all seen people not noticing the children because of being too busy in conversation with an adult. These same parents may try to teach their children that "there is a time and place for things".

When kids see their parents doing all kinds of things the kids wouldn't want to do (getting up to make breakfast for everyone else, paying bills, calling the plumber, fixing the roof, walking the dog in the middle of the night, etc.) they often not only start to see that this what being an adult is, but they also may admire their parents for doing all the things they do. (I think kids need to see that being adult can also mean having fun sometimes, but that's a topic for another day.)

When children have parents who act very responsibly, and when, as part of acting responsibly parents also talk to children all throughout their childhoods about why one thing or another is important, there's a good chance children grow up to be apples that didn't fall far from the tree.

There is one other factor that could play a role in which children grow up to be responsible adults; and that is when children have childhoods that are pretty carefree and secure, and parents who assure that their children's childhoods are safeguarded, the children often grow up not missing anything and more than ready to take on their own adult responsibilities when the time comes. It is at least possible that children who miss too much of what children need from childhood may grow up still wanting to hang onto to their childhood in some way and not too interested in anything they may view as a burden.

Negative ("Bad") Behavior in Children - When Is It Ignoring It Better? When Is Ignoring It Not An Option?

2011-09-29T03:09:00.000-07:00

Negative ("Bad") Behavior in Children - When Is It Ignoring It Better? When Is Ignoring It Not An Option?

Children and Stealing

2011-09-27T23:36:00.000-07:00

This is a subject I ran into in an online forum, so I thought I'd post my reply here:

It's one thing if it the friends are, say, teens who shoplift. That's not something "all kids" (or at least a lot of kids) do. With younger kids (especially kids around 5/6, I think, but maybe even with some a little older in some cases), it's a different thing.

Young kids can be raised to know what's right and wrong, and they can very much want to do what's right. What they run into can be temptation that's more than they're emotionally ready to be able to resist. They know "in their head" that stealing is wrong. (That's why a lot of them are very clever at making sure nobody ever discovers that they've taken something.) It's not something that absolutely "every" kid does as a little kid, but it's something a whole lot of kids do (and even if for some, it's nothing more than a candy bar once or twice). There's something awfully appealing about something like a candy-bar rack, and resisting that urge (especially if kids know their parent won't buy it) can be hard for - like - a five-year-old. Their brains are developed enough for them to be able to think up "deceit" and a "plan" and a "cover-up", but emotionally they're not always able to resist the urge to take what they want.

When he was still with ABC News, John Stossel did a thing on what's called "frustration tolerance point", and it was found that the more kids did without something, the more likely it would be that they'd hit their frustration toleration point and be unable to resist temptation.

It's not just stuff like candy, though. Little kids may see something that appeals to them, like shiny coins, other "shiny objects". Kids who have plenty of the kind of thing that catches their eye aren't as likely to have that frustration tolerance point as kids who never really have the kind of thing they find appealing for reason or another.

It gets the best of them. They take something here or there. Some take more than one thing here or there. They feel horrible about what they did (if they're normal, rather than if they're just "little sociopaths", which most little kids are not). Eventually (and in generally not in all that many years at all), most outgrow even having the urge to steal at all and/or they at least become emotionally mature enough to be able to control the urge to steal if it happens they get such an urge. Most just outgrown even seeing (if only for a moment) stealing as an option, no matter how much they want something.

Young children of the "best parents in the world" have been known to "lift" something at one time or another, or even over a period of time when they were in that "around five" (or so) age range.

Here's the take of The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry on the matter:
http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_who_steal

What I'd Tell A Grade-School Child Who is Afraid of a Hurricane On the Way

2011-08-26T23:44:00.000-07:00

What I'd Tell A Grade-School Child Who is Afraid of a Hurricane On the Way

Childhood Obesity

2011-07-30T10:47:00.000-07:00

With all the talk about childhood obesity these days, it seems as if most people blame fast food for this problem, which results not only in obesity, but which can lead to Type II Diabetes, as well.

While fast food may frequently "be in the picture" when it comes to childhood obesity, I can't help but wonder if there's a chicken-egg aspect to it; and if the real problem is what makes kids want/need more of this food than they otherwise may (or than a lot of other kids do). More..

How to Keep Kids From Acting Up (Being Out-of-Control)

2011-07-21T13:55:00.000-07:00

How to Keep Kids From Acting Up (Being Out-of-Control)

Technology In Schools Today

2011-06-03T09:47:00.000-07:00

There is no doubt that greater technology in elementary schools offers children some educational advantages, as well as the chance to have technology as much a part of their world as it is of the larger world. Whether or not greater technology is beneficial to the actual process of learning may be a separate consideration.

There's the external process involved with learning (someone shares information about something with someone else), and the internal process of learning (the activities of the brain and any formation of brain connections).

I think the basic, external, learning process is the same as always. Someone gives information to the child. I think technology has offered ways of reinforcing, building on, or supplementing that basic learning; but, in general, I think the foundation of basic learning remains the same. So, in this way, greater technology is beneficial.

On the other hand, I can't help but believe that there are probably different things going on in the brain as a result of technology's role in learning because it is clear that someone who began learning long after technology was in full swing does things differently. Whether this is good or not is not clear.

Consider math, for example. I learned the basics before computers were available to everyone. Calculators existed but would never be allowed in school. Today, if I'm in a work setting, doing some kind of math calculations, I'll do the work the way it is done in business these days, using technology.

If I'm working on personal finances, though, I do something kind of bizarre: I'll use the computer to do the math. I'll check it once by re-doing it. Then I'll check the computer's work by using a personal calculator, and check the calculator's work by doing it a second time. At this point, you'd think I'd be pretty comfortable, but I'm not.

I will then proceed to check the double-checked work of both the computer and the calculator by doing the math myself (complete with paper and pencil). I should at least skip the double-checking of the computer and calculator, but no matter how often I do this I keep thinking that double-checking will be enough. Its as if I discover each time that I cannot reach a level of confidence in the results until I check one more time. In my head I trust the computer the first or second time, depending on room for human error. Every time I have a big calculating job to do I think the computer will suffice. Every time I keep discovering I can't feel confident in it or the calculator. Its only after I do my own calculations that I can have "mental peace".

If I'm in work setting I do it "the work way". I figure if the machines make an error it isn't my doing because in the work setting today people choose to "take the risk".

A young person raised since computers have been in homes and schools doesn't have this "issue". They take for granted the computer does a better job than a human, and they trust it. I'm comfortable with technology. In my head I certainly trust that it is more likely to do it's math correctly than I, a human, will. Still, I'm not able to overcome that feeling I learned from the time I first learned to do math - that feeling of seeing the process, knowing I have included the correct numbers, being the one to do the calculating, and seeing that all the numbers add up.

I can only assume that my brain learned some need to be involved with the process of the calculation in order to reach that sense of confidence and "mental peace" with the results. I don't have OCD in any area of my life, and decades ago there would have been no technology to cause me to wonder if I have it when it comes to doing my own calculations. I can only assume that because my generation was taught with this ongoing, ever-present, do-it-yourself, approach and drill, drill, drill; that's how my brain learned to be most comfortable.

I'm not sure if the way children today learn is a good thing or a bad thing. Its certainly a current thing. Children today are less likely to develop the issue I have that makes me appear to have OCD when it comes to doing calculations. (I was "so-not" ever a math wiz, so it isn't that I've built my confidence in my math ability. I was nicely above average in math ability, but math was never my favorite subject.)

When it comes to the internal part of the learning process I think children today must have something different going on. Whether people like me have such solid "manual" skills they tend to have more confidence in themselves, or whether people like me have our brains hopelessly wired in an obsolete way, I don't know.

There is little doubt that greater technology offers a world of learning experience to students of all ages. There is no doubt that with each new era comes the need for new types of skills. There was a time when people needed to know how to make their own soap. My great-grandmother's generation needed to be skilled at using a washboard. My mother knew to how to sterilize cloth diapers, while - for good or ill - I never dealt with a dirty cloth diaper in my life. My generation came along at a time when so many life skills, once required for day-to-day living, were no longer necessary. Will today's elementary-school student even need the math skills I needed to learn?

There is another side to this, though. The math skills that are so ingrained in me are a part of my day-to-day living. When I do my grocery shopping I keep a pretty accurate running total of what I'm spending in my head. If I get a ad from a bank, advertising a new type of account or a new credit card I have a fairly complete picture of the costs involved just by seeing the rates and requirements outlined in the large print. Whether shopping for car insurance, a mortgage, or a dental plan, the math skills I've used all my life offer me that immediate overview of costs without doing much calculating. If I decide to keep track of the calories or fat I eat, convert a recipe, or manage my time, that lifetime of using my own math skill makes life easier. More significantly, there is the possibility that a "use it or lose it" principle applies to matters of cognitive skill. There is also the question of whether use of one's own math skill results in secondary neurological goings-on that are beneficial in ways not presently understood.

There is no doubt that greater technology is beneficial in a number of ways. The question is whether it is also a double-edged sword. I'm certainly not of the one-room schoolhouse era, but my elementary school education involved an old school, books, paper, pencils, a blackboard, and, of course, My Weekly Reader. It was not a luxurious education, but it was a solid one. There was no elaborate technology to create the impression of a great education even when the education was only mediocre. Some would say that the lack of that elaborate technology was what made the education I got, in fact, mediocre.

Greater technology is clearly beneficial in it's own way. Whether that way is the most crucial way, in terms of developing human potential, is something we cannot yet know.

Life on Key: When Children Whine

2011-03-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

Life on Key: When Children Whine: "There are two types of whining children do. There is the whining some children do when they're truly miserable; then there is the whining ..."

The Myth That Kids Who Aren't Hit or Aren't Punished Don't Respect Parents and Won't Behave Well

2011-02-09T23:02:00.000-08:00

The Myth That Kids Who Aren't Hit or Aren't Punished Don't Respect Parents and Won't Behave Well

How Long Should You Leave Your Baby to Cry

2011-01-21T15:59:00.000-08:00

How Long Should You Leave Your Baby to Cry

Become a Better Parent

2010-07-30T09:53:00.001-07:00

Become a Better Parent

The Importance of Higher Standards in Math Education in The U.s

2010-07-30T09:53:00.000-07:00

The Importance of Higher Standards in Math Education in The U.s

Parenting - Why "Because I Said So" Doesn't Work Best with Children

2010-07-30T09:52:00.000-07:00

Parenting - Why "Because I Said So" Doesn't Work Best with Children

What Toddlers Need

2010-07-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

What Toddlers Need

Ways to Help a Newborn Sleep Better

2010-07-30T02:23:00.000-07:00

Ways to Help a Newborn Sleep Better

Are Parents to Blame When Teens Get in Trouble

2010-07-30T02:12:00.000-07:00

Are Parents to Blame When Teens Get in Trouble

Tips for Keeping Kids Unplugged in an Electronics Age

2010-07-29T06:35:00.000-07:00

Even in a world where "the latest thing" is ever-changing, what is not ever-changing are the parts of childhood that help children develop the skills they need to be well balanced adults. To choose an old fashioned approach to make a point, if Nature wanted kids to be "wired" they would be born wearing an over-the-ear, Blue Tooth, headset (a bad example, perhaps, since Blue Tooth requires no wires). Technology or no technology, children need a certain amount of time to interact with family and friends in more conventional ways. They also need some time to engage in interests that are not associated with electronics.

Debates and studies about how much it too much or possible negative consequences aside, common sense should tell parents that when kids are tuned out to their immediate surroundings, and instead tuned in to something else, there is obvious some "break" in the natural order of childhood experiences. Common sense should also tell parents that the younger the child, the more "unplugged" time he needs.

The good news is that it isn't difficult to manage a younger child's time spent with electronics. The even better news is that nurturing a child's other interests, as well as face-to-face relating, can help develop patterns of behavior that may naturally reduce (at least some of) the time spent with electronics in later years.
Keeping the following tips in mind can help parents keep some degree of control over the time their child spends "plugged in":

1. Take Advantage of the Control You Have Over Preschoolers' Activities

Limit preschoolers' exposure to activities involving electronics, and don't use the PC or other electronics-related activities as babysitter. It's one thing for Mom or Dad to sit with the child and let him learn to use the PC. It's another to leave him sitting at it alone, or to allow him to head for his favorite program whenever the mood strikes. Allowing a preschooler to play a cell phone once in a while can seem like a special treat. Allowing him to pick up the cell phone and play games on it whenever he wishes sends a different message.
The interests parents encourage in their preschoolers are often interests they bring with them into their school years. Whether it's love of reading, fascination with science, or the fun of taking some kind of lessons with other children; parents have the chance to build "a lot of foundation" for the years that will follow the preschool years.

2. Don't Be the One Who Encourages More Electronics Than is Wise

Don't fall into the trap of believing that the latest electronic toys are "the most educational" for your preschooler. Overlooking classic childhood activities and toys is overlooking a child's developmental needs. Overlooking a preschooler's needs for one-on-one interaction with parents and others, as well as their need to learn to socialize with other children their own age, is overlooking some very important aspects of development. Parents have complete control over the activities they offer preschool children. This is a time when they should take advantage of their complete control.

3. Take Advantage of the Built-In Structure of the School Day

Just as parents can take advantage of the complete control the preschool years offer, they can do the same with the built-in structure of the school years between grades 1 through 9. Establish a few rules about when electronics will be used.

It isn't difficult to set up a rule that there will be no electronics in the morning, before school. Establishing that the afternoon hours following school are for other activities is usually easy. Between children's natural wish to go outside and play or participate in after-school activities, and their need to do homework, discouraging computer use during these hours can be relatively effortless. Allowing school-aged kids to use the PC or play electronic games on a rainy afternoon isn't likely to dissolve into a habit when parents make it clear it will not.
A "no-electronics" during dinner is usually a rule kids can easily accept/understand, which leads to the hours between dinner and bedtime. In most families, these are the hours where homework that hasn't been done must be finished, some television-watching may take place, and/or a child may head for the PC or video games.

Assuming the homework has been done, parents may find that a half hour or hour of family television (even if only a few evenings a week) offers a little more "together" time. Of course, if parents have to run an errand, or if kids have an early evening activity, this further eliminates the time available for electronics.

Today, kids younger than high-school age often have cell phones. One way to keep their use to a minimum is to establish that calls are for emergencies or quick transportation arrangements, and limiting the amount of available talk time.

4. Talk to Children About the Importance, and Joys, of Well Balanced Activities and Even Possible, Negative, Consequences of Too Much Being "Plugged In"

Most kids don't need lectures on the importance of having friends, or the fun of having a special collection of athletic activity. Still, having parents show they value these things (by talking about how important such things are, how proud parents are that their child is so "well balanced", etc.) can help reinforce, for the child, that the non-wired aspects of life are, in fact, very important.

5. But What About High-School Aged Kids?

Let's face it - trying to keep kids of this age from being too electronics-inclined" can be a losing battle. Kids who were encouraged to be well balanced in earlier childhood may be a little less likely to have too unhealthy an attachment to video games; but "wired" is the way of the world these days - for everyone. The PC, video games, iPods, and cell phones are all just a way of life these days. Kids who have reached high-school before seeming too "electronics-inclined" could be considered their own, or their parents' accomplishment. The picture changes for kids this age, though, because some of that electronics social interaction for kids this age is not necessarily a negative thing.

While parents and family are always important in even an older kid's life, the teen years are the years when the focus is on friends, school, and future plans. The ten-year-old, who "should be outside, playing Hide 'n Seek" but who is, instead, inside playing video games may be trading a more valuable activity for one that offers little (other than, perhaps, a hand/eye-coordination exercise). The teen who is chatting with friends online is, in a lot of ways, actually engaging in the kind of socializing and relating that people that age need to do. The point is that, at this age, being "plugged in" is not the negative thing it can be for younger kids. Some may say, too, that it not as undesirable as it is can be for people past their teens. In other words, for kids this age, parents may to raise the bar with regard to how much is too much. Still, regardless of anyone's age, it's never good for people to allow themselves to be completely removed from family.

Parents of kids this age may find that changing their own expectations, as well as altering some of the earlier rules, works best:

Expecting anyone who is home in the house to eat dinner with the family is one way to guarantee at least some family time. Another good idea is for families to agree that things like iPods and cell phones won't be used where family members are gathered. If a teen heads for his bedroom before making his calls it won't, of course, mean he's using his phone less. It can help, however, not to establish a family practice of having everyone gathered in one place but communicating with people outside the home.

High-school students have homework and early school days. While kids this age can't be expected to follow the same kind of rules that are right for eight-year-olds, establishing that school nights should include a "decent" bedtime, and that homework must always be handed in when due is a reasonable expectation that may naturally cut down some of the electronics time.

Just as it always helps for parents to talk to younger kids about priorities, values, and balance; talking to teens about the same things, and offering reasons for not allowing electronics to "take over life" is also important for more grown-up kids.

Kids this age usually have more time outside the house than their middle-school-aged siblings have, so their age sometimes builds in a certain amount of face-to-face socializing and other activities.
Besides altering the rules as kids get to be this age, parents may want to ask themselves whether it's such a bad thing that a sixteen-year-old who is home all evening spends that time socializing online, provided his homework is handed in on time.

One other way parents can encourage older kids to have a more balanced approach to electronics is that time-tested approach of setting a good example. When parents turn off the cell phones, and get away from the PC's, long enough to show kids they value them enough to have some real "in-person" communication, kids will see an example of how people who care about one another treat one another. Parents need to keep in mind, too, that balance isn't just achieved by cutting down on one thing. Sometimes it can be achieved by adding more of something else.

The "latest thing" may be ever-changing, and technology may have changed our lives dramatically over recent years. What has not changed is the fact that when families build in lots of love, care, and enjoyable time together even the most amazing technological gadgets tend not to have the power to pull loving family members too far apart.

A Secure Baby Sleeps Better

2010-07-29T05:57:00.000-07:00

Most parents are more than familiar with their own sleep problems that occur after a frazzling day. The truth is, even though babies don't have to worry about nasty bosses, paying bills, and a water heater than needs to be replaced; they, too, can get frazzled and anxious. They, too, are likely to have trouble going to sleep, or staying asleep, when their day has not been one during which they have felt calm and secure.

While adults' threshold for becoming anxious is much higher than that of babies, the principle of anxiety causing sleep problems is the same. One of the biggest mistakes any parent can make is to assume that, because a baby "only eats, sleeps, and plays all day" , stress and anxiety can't play much of a role in sleep problems. The truth is that we, adults, generally take for granted that we are safe and secure during our days. Healthy adults don't get anxious unless there are those stressful worries, such as bills, sick family members, or any number of other things. Babies, on the other hand, require the close-to-constant reminders that they are, indeed, safe and secure. The perfectly happy and comfortable baby who feels safe and secure as he plays will suddenly feel less sure when hunger sets in. In other words, a baby's days are filled with "ups and downs" when it comes to feeling safe and secure. Too many "downs" will lead to a particularly frazzling day.

With their immature central nervous systems, their helplessness, their inability to understand language, and their general need to have a sense of equilibrium; babies can also be prone to becoming over-stimulated too. Each baby has his own disposition, and some babies are more sensitive to "too much going on" than others; but all babies, to some extent, can suffer a sense of anxiety when life gets to hectic. Whether it's too many bright lights, too many different loud noises, being brought around to too many unfamiliar places, or being passed around by too many people; babies can get frazzled and anxious from over-stimulation. Even too much "active play" can lead to a baby's feeling frazzled; because although a baby may enjoy such play, there can be a sense of feeling a little too unsure about what is coming next. All of these things that can contribute (sometimes in small ways, sometimes collectively) to a baby's having a frazzling day are likely to also contribute to his having sleep problems. Many of a baby's potentially "frazzling" activities/situations during any day may actually be pleasant experiences. That does not, however, always translate into being experiences that are most likely to contribute to a sense of sureness and security.

Sureness and a sense of security come from those quieter, surer, calmer, interactions between parent (usually mother) and baby. A sense of security comes, too, from knowing that Mommy is always there to respond to needs and distress. For a baby, a sense of security also comes from having his needs met and from experiencing a caretaker's calming, gentle, touch and voice. Until a child has grown enough not to experience some of the more active parts of some days as frazzling, it's important that he experience enough time feeling super-secure and super-safe to balance off some of the more frazzling times in his day.

In general, most of cannot make the leap from feeling anxious to being asleep without having some time in-between to bridge the gap. Some adults may simply stay up until they're ready to "pass out", but that doesn't work for babies. Babies get over-tired, which means they get yet more distressed. Feeling yet more distressed means they feel that much less safe and secure. Even when a baby has been over-tired and distressed, once he does "pass out" he is likely to have a fitful sleep and wake during the night.

Babies who feel safe and secure are babies who are generally happier babies, who are also easier to care for in general. They're usually happy with whatever is going on, and being putting in their crib for the night can just seem like one more pleasant part of their day. Some secure babies will have those frazzling days that make them feel a little less secure for a brief time. Some babies, however, will live all their days feeling a little anxious because some parents may not be quite as skilled as others at helping their baby feel safe and secure. Essentially, whether a baby feels a little less secure on a particularly frazzling day or is a child who lives feeling a little less secure, the root of the problem is that when any of us is anxious our brain chemicals change in a way that is not conducive to getting a good night's sleep. To make the problem worse, a baby who does not get the right amount of the right quality sleep will begin the following day at a disadvantage, when it comes to feeling safe and secure.

When it comes down to it, babies require very little in this world. With the exception of getting their nutrition, the need to feel safe and secure is the most crucial need any baby has. When such an important need is overlooked, or when parents are not skilled in meeting that need, that is certainly a problem big enough for anyone to lose sleep over.

The Myth of the Perfect Discipline Strategy for Children

2010-07-29T05:47:00.000-07:00

During one of the many screening interviews that took place prior to my adopting one of my children, the social worker asked, "Could you tell me what your parents did as far as disciplining their children went?" It was the only question she asked that left me feeling as if I didn't have an immediate answer.

As I searched my mind for what to say, I could feel my eyes "looking" for an answer and my shoulders shrugging. After a few awkward "ums" and the realization that no answer had come to me, I said, "I don't really know. Nothing, I guess. They just talked." I was incredibly horrified and terrified by an answer that seemed so inept and unsure. The social worker wrote something down in her notes and moved on to the next question. I worried that my "horrible answer" had destroyed my chances of passing the screening. I hoped she would realize that my seemingly inept response was rooted in the fact that my own parents had been loving, skilled, and kind parents.

Thinking back as far as I can remember, I recall how kind and loving my parents always were; but also that they simply let us know what was expected of us, the difference between right and wrong, and that - if nothing else - we were to treat them with the respect with which they treated us and each other. Before becoming old enough to go to school, my siblings and I were all pretty well behaved kids at home. There was about five years between us, so we got plenty of attention.

We absolutely adored our parents, who were (in the words a young child) "so nice". We didn't view what they expected of us as "unreasonable", because they never expected anything unreasonable of us. The simple rules by which we were expected to live involved things like not breaking things, behaving well when we went somewhere, not fighting, and "NEVER, EVER" talking back to our parents. (It's important to note that they did not yell at us either.)

Once we got to be school-aged life got a little more complicated. Children of school age often just do things they shouldn't do because it "seems like a good idea at the time". When our parents found out we had done something we shouldn't have they would (as I would eventually tell that social worker) talk to us. They would talk about why what we had done was wrong, how disappointed in us they were, how they couldn't understand how we would ever do such a thing, and what other people would think of us if we ever did that thing again.

They would talk about integrity and reputation. They'd talk about how "being sneaky" would make people think very little of us. They talked about honesty, self-respect, being a good friend, what kind of person they wanted us to be - and on and on and on. It was always one of the most uncomfortable experiences of our lives, and when they'd wrap it all up with a reminder of how disappointed they were in us it pretty much sealed in the guilt rather effectively.

Upon thinking about it, though, I realize how, even though something had seemed like a good idea at the time, I, for one, had my own guilt long before I had been caught. So, when my parents did find out and would begin on one those marathon talks about the misdeed, it became quite clear what a good idea the deed WASN'T.
Still, my clever parents had managed to raise three kids without any real "discipline strategy" and by simply ad libbing as the occasion called for it. They had managed three decent, caring, people who didn't get into trouble while creating the impression that they had never really used any discipline strategy.

As an adult, and recalling the degree of "feeling rotten" that my parents managed to create in me; I have to say that I think they could have lightened up a little on the guilt. After all, I had my own conscience (thanks to their doing a good job in my preschool years) and was only a kid. Kids mess up. It wasn't that they were abusive or demeaning or belittling. It was more that they over-estimated the seriousness of the offense and let us know (or at least led us to believe) that they were worried we would turn into criminals. When you're ten years old, and you know that just because you and girlfriends rang a few doorbells it doesn't mean you're headed for a life a crime; you don't know how to reassure your parents they don't need to worry. It may not be the best thing for a child to have to think, "Wait until I grow up, and they'll see that I didn't turn into a criminal". (Then again, it was, I suppose, an effective thing.)

Once I had grown up and knew I would be building my own family I thought quite a bit about my own parenting approach. For the most part, I wanted to do things very much as my parents had, with the exception of attempting to make my children feel guiltier than they already did if they did something wrong. I would let my children know when they had done something unacceptable. I would talk about most of the things my parents talked about. If they were old enough, and if the occasion called for it, I may even impose some consequence that seemed appropriate (such as taking away a toy or not allowing television). My plan, however, was to try, too, to help my children know that even if I did not approve of their unacceptable action I understood (and they should as well) that kids mess up. It's all part of being a kid.

29 years after that interview with the adoption worker, I still don't know what she thought or wrote down when I gave my "horrible" answer that day. I passed the screening, so I like to think that my utter inability to describe my parents' approach to discipline showed that I had been raised by loving, good, parents who understood the importance of setting some reasonable rules, telling children right from wrong, and further elaborating when the occasion seemed to call for it.

I suppose the reason I essentially told that social worker my parents didn't really have any "approach to discipline" was that my parents just knew their role as parents (and how much they loved us) and never viewed "discipline" as a separate "category".

When it comes down to it, the reason there is no "perfect discipline strategy" for children is that strategies are for things like finances, business, and football games. Being a good, loving, capable, parent is about so much more than strategy - so very much more.

Ways to Help a Newborn Sleep Better

2010-06-07T15:22:00.000-07:00

Ways to Help a Newborn Sleep Better

Toilet Training - Re-Thinking the Approach with Reluctant Two- and Three-Year-Olds

2010-05-08T00:38:00.000-07:00

Toilet Training - Re-Thinking the Approach with Reluctant Two- and Three-Year-Olds

Giving Kids An Allowance

2010-05-08T00:34:00.000-07:00

Giving Kids An Allowance

When A Three-Year-Old Bites Other Children

2010-05-05T05:04:00.000-07:00

When A Three-Year-Old Bites Other Children

When A Two-Year-Old Keeps Calling For His Daddy

2010-04-19T00:18:00.000-07:00

When A Two-Year-Old Keeps Calling For His Daddy

How Can I Get My Children to Stop Lying to Me

2010-02-24T07:16:00.000-08:00

How Can I Get My Children to Stop Lying to Me

Are American Kids Really Growing Up Too Fast Today?

2010-02-17T03:26:00.000-08:00

Are American Kids Really Growing Up Too Fast Today?

Teenagers and Credit Cards - A Sensible Approach for Parents

2010-02-11T10:06:00.000-08:00

Teenagers and Credit Cards - A Sensible Approach for Parents

An Opinion About One Possible Cause of Childhood Obesity

2010-02-10T05:24:00.000-08:00

An Opinion About One Possible Cause of Childhood Obesity

Babies and Constipation

2010-01-26T15:55:00.000-08:00

Babies and Constipation

Babies - Do's and Don'ts

2010-01-14T02:15:00.000-08:00

Babies - Do's and Don'ts

Assembly-Required Toys and Safety

2009-12-03T08:50:00.000-08:00

Before we become parents we don't think much about toys at all; but on the rare occasion when we may, we tend to assume all toys are cranked out, ready-to-go, by machines. Then we become parents and come face-to-face with the harsh reality that it quite possibly may only be dolls and balls that don't require assembly (and even if dolls don't require assembly their stuff usually does).

Aside from the high risk of parental headache and heartburn, assembly-required toys pose a few hazards before they've been magically turned into the toy they're meant to be.

The first hazards to address are all those plastic bags that are marked, "Caution. This bag is not a toy." (We already knew that, but it's good to know the toy manufacturer didn't think we paid $45 so our children could have plastic bags to play with.) Remove the parts and any mini-instructions that come with them, place the contents of the bag together on a table, and discard the bag. Check to make sure you have all the part you're supposed to.

It's a good idea to leave unopened bags on a table until their contents are needed, but if you want or need to open all the bags set contents in little piles on the table, separated from the contents of other bags, and discard all the bags.

SMALL PARTS HAZARDS

Small parts can pose both minor and major hazards. Major hazards are choking and swallowing. Young children (and sometimes not-so-young children) are known for putting small objects in their mouths. While babies are known for putting everything in their mouths, and while children under three are known to commonly put things in their mouths, older children occasionally do the same. A five-year-old Boston boy recently died when a paper fastener from a kindergarten project became lodged in his throat.

Don't forget pets. Pets notoriously eat things they shouldn't eat. As it is for young children, playing with small objects can pose hazards for pets.

Less serious than choking or swallowing can be the painful act of stepping on small objects without shoes on. How potentially serious stepping on an object may be depends on the object and how it is stepped on, but walking toddler with a foot too sore to walk on can lead to an unpleasant situation for a day or so.

Although it may be the lowest risk associated with small parts, sliding and falling is always a possibility, particularly on a slippery floor. Speaking of floors: One more reason to keep small parts on a table is to prevent losing them in thick carpeting or having them accidentally kicked across a slippery floor and under the refrigerator. Losing small parts doesn't help the project, but having them found by a crawling little one later can be deadly

HAZARDS ASSOCIATED WITH INCORRECT ASSEMBLY

When toys are not assembled with proper care (and in many cases, proper strength) hazards can include dangerous spills from bikes or outdoor play equipment. The hazard isn't usually quite as serious when a toddler topples from a low-to-the-ground, toddler, riding toy. Even so, any riding toy/equipment that is not assembled properly has the potential of posing serious hazard.

One thing that makes assembling some toys so challenging is the fact that they are usually put together without the use "conventional" hardware, like "plain, old, screws". These (often) molded plastic Part A's and Part B's may be designed to fit perfectly together (and, amazingly enough, allow a wheel to spin or door to open) without the use of "standard" hardware. It's easy to see how improper assembly could cause a problem, such as a falling wheel.

Protective caps are often included to prevent injury from even "unconventional hardware". When not properly put in place parts like this could fall off the toy later, exposing something that was intended to be safely covered. Possibly the most dangerous hazard are parts that fall from the toy long after assembly and end up in the hands of a small child.

Edges of partition sections of toys are usually safely recessed in slots or otherwise designed to be covered. Improper assembly involving edges could result in cuts.

A NOTE ABOUT THE BOX (Even though boxes are not reserved for assembly-only toys)

A long with the air-filled plastic bags, the boxes in which toys are packed often contain cardboard
partitions to keep larger parts in place. Although the risk if relatively low, there is always the chance that edges of such partitions could result in a "paper cut". This risk is highest when the cardboard pieces are left long and floppy.

Since children often love to make things with cardboard, cutting the cardboard into more manageable sections makes the cardboard more manageable, which reduces the risk of cuts.

Children love empty boxes - especially large ones. Empty boxes can keep children busier than the toy that came in them may. Still, there are a few things to keep in mind about large, empty, boxes:

Keep an eye on children when they're playing with a box. Most boxes won't stand up to being turned into step stools for older children, but many can withstand the weight of a young child. Having such a "step stool" can open a whole world of possibilities for a young child, which is why parents need to keep an eye out.

Boxes inspire the imagination, and that's another reason parents need to pay attention to what any box has been "imagined into". A "certain young girl" I know once imagined a perfectly shaped box as a sled. This otherwise reasonably sensible little kid thought that snowy hillsides and the stairs leading to bedrooms were equally suitable for a wonderful sledding experience.
She dragged the box to the top of the stairs, got in, and launched herself into a serious tumble

Note: There is one final, potential, hazard that should not be overlooked:

Parents Beware - As the number of children parents have grows, and as number of years they've been married add up, so do the number of birthdays and Christmases. Multiply the number of children by the number of gifts given by Santa, parents, and other family members. Add in a grumpy, cursing, parent; and you've got a lot of special occasions dampened by hours of one parent's listening to pounding, huffing and puffing, and other horrible sounds coming from the playroom or garage. Such behavior is not becoming of a parent and wears awfully thin after a few years.

Although assembly-required toys may lead your spouse to imagine using a cast-iron skillet across your noggin, the real hazard of assembly-required toys may well be risk of divorce.
To avoid this risk of divorce, install sound-proof walls in the area used for assembling toys, or else send the family to Grandma's for the weekend.

The Empty Nest - When Your Youngest or Only Child Moves Out

2009-11-18T14:26:00.000-08:00

The Empty Nest - When Your Youngest or Only Child Moves Out

Divorce, Custody, and the Phrase, "Putting the Children First"

2009-11-11T16:40:00.000-08:00

Divorce, Custody, and the Phrase, "Putting the Children First"

The Importance of Talking To, and Interacting With, Your Baby or Toddler

2009-11-11T16:39:00.000-08:00

The Importance of Talking To, and Interacting With, Your Baby or Toddler

Two-Year-Olds and Play

2009-10-16T03:20:00.000-07:00

Two-Year-Olds and Play

Children, Public Restrooms, and Safety

2009-10-16T03:13:00.000-07:00

Children, Public Restrooms, and Safety

Teenagers and Credit Cards - A Sensible Approach for Parents

2009-10-16T03:12:00.000-07:00

Teenagers and Credit Cards - A Sensible Approach for Parents

Kids and Talking on the Phone - How Much Is Too Much?

2009-10-16T02:31:00.000-07:00

Just as it is said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, a child's or teen's spending "too much time" on the phone can sometimes be in the view of the parents in question. It can also depend on the age of the child. One other determining factor of how much is too much can be whether the child or teen lets responsibilities go, in favor of talking on the telephone.

Generally, children of about twelve years old or younger are still of "playing-outside age" (and if they're not, they should be). "Soul-searching" conversations aren't usually a part of life for kids this young. When children in this age range are not out playing with neighborhood pals, or with a friend or two who has been dropped off, they're often engaged in after-school activities where they have the opportunity to spend time with a completely different set of friends. With all this time to spend with peers, children this age shouldn't require a lot of time to be holding long conversations over the telephone. An upcoming birthday party, or being home with a flu-like illness, may be good reason for the occasional long phone call, but children this age shouldn't have the time or need for a lot of talking on the telephone. A quick call to make plans with friends, or calls to Mom or Dad at work, don't fall under the category of "too much time on the phone".

When children are in this age range parents can easily set up a few rules about phone use, refrain from handing their young child a cell phone with unlimited time, and generally have control over the child's access to telephones. Establishing an hour and length of time for "conversation" phone calls can offer kids in this age range the chance to occasionally talk with a friend without license to talk to buddies at the expense of "the rest of childhood".

Kids in the thirteen-to-sixteen age range are, in my opinion, at an age when a little flexibility with regard to phone limits may be in order. Younger teens are at an age when they've outgrown playing outside, when they are too young to be out nights on their own, when the pressures of school and activities can combine with the pressures of being a young teen, and when friends can sometimes seem like the only ones with whom kids can really talk. They're also at an age when, if they're fortunate, they often build very close relationships with a friend. The trouble is if that friend lives on the other side of town it may be difficult to get together and have "real" conversation. School often doesn't offer that opportunity. After-school activities don't offer it either. School lunch and three-minute walks between classes don't offer it. Neither does waiting for the bus for fifteen minutes with a bunch of other kids.

This is an age when primary school friends develop "eight-grade" relationships. It's an age, too, when kids outgrow earlier friends and start to build friendships that are based on having something in common other than the street on which both reside.

One of the best and most important things a kid in this age range can have is a close relationship with a friend or two; and one of the only ways to build that kind of relationship is sometimes by having long conversations. Further, besides building close friendships, long conversations between two young friends can help each young person learn who he is, what he believes, and what he wants to become through thoughtful conversations.

My opinion about kids in this age range comes not just from having been the mother of three teens, myself, but also from my own experience as a young teen. In that long-ago time before "call waiting" was available, I remained a long-term and ever-present irritant in the life of my elder sister's boyfriend, who was not above calling the operator and saying he needed to interrupt my long calls with an "emergency".

At the time, my parents didn't care that I talked, because their calls were made during the day while mine took place during the evening (when other people watched television, in which I had little interest). Instead, I preferred to mull over "the meaning of life", my friend's and my views on the (then) "hot" topic, "premarital sex", what we thought made a good relationship, and just about everything else in life. Together, my girlfriend and I worked out our beliefs and principles through our long conversations, and our parents would have proud of the conclusions we reached on our own. Sometimes, of course, we just found silly things to talk about, and we rolled on the floors of our respective bedrooms in laughter.

With all the struggles and stresses of "learning to be a person", one of the best ways for kids to feel "understood" is to have a close friend, talk, and - yes - be silly and laugh. Socializing (even if only the telephone) can be a far more constructive activity than television-watching, which is why I think a little flexibility isn't a bad idea for kids in this age range.

I can still hear my mother telling anyone who had an opinion about my long conversations, "I'd rather have her in the bedroom, on the phone with her girlfriend, than out somewhere at night." I can still hear my father's words, "What do you find to talk about for THAT long?" My reply was always, "I don't know - everything."

When my own kids were young teens, I, too, was just as pleased to have them on the phone or online "chatting" with their friends, as long as the homework was not being neglected; and as long as they also had a generally life in addition to the "life on the phone" or computer.

For young teens, the measure of "too much" time on the phone should really be whether or not they are getting done what they need to do. Today, with "free nights and weekends" cell phone service, free PC-to-PC phone calls, and several other inexpensive ways to have extra phone service; the issue of "too much time on the phone" isn't usually about tying up the family's own telephone (or doesn't have to be).

Even with what might be considered a "need" for younger teens to talk, giving teens this age specific hours for making their long phone calls can help them realize that the family telephone is not their private phone. By virtue of having a specific time range for long calls, some curbing of the tendency to really over-do it is built in. It may not be such a bad thing for parents and siblings to have to tell others, "Don't bother calling between six and eight-thirty, because the phone will be tied up." Of course, "call waiting" means that no important or brief call will go unanswered, provided parents tell young teens that that is the rule if a "special time" is set up for their long calls.

Once kids get to be sixteen and over, many are well past the regular "long-conversations" stage. Between being in school, after-school activities , working part-time, and being able to be out socializing; kids of this age are often not home long enough for the occasional long conversation to be a problem. Kids of this age, however, are also old enough to have their own cell phone and/or their own computer. Whether parents choose to provide these things for their older son or daughter, or expect their child to pay for them on his own, kids of this age can talk on their cell phones (if they have free nights and weekends, or if they "save up" prepaid time), and they can talk over the Internet.

Older teens, however, are at an age when homework can count more than ever; and when other responsibilities have usually increased as well. As with younger kids, parents should keep an eye that responsibilities are not being neglected in favor of talking of the phone. It may be reasonable enough for a teen to clean his room after he talks to his friend, but if the room isn't cleaned within a reasonable amount of time that changes the picture.

With older teens who only have Internet service and cell phones because parents are paying for it, setting up a few simple rules can be fairly easy: "If the homework isn't getting done I'm keeping the phone until I stop getting notices from the school that isn't." Even when kids have worked to pay for their own phones, it is still reasonable for parents to address the matters of homework and responsibilities, even if they aren't holding the "purse strings" (or perhaps a more appropriate metaphor would be, "phone charger").

Even with older teens, parents should keep in mind that some are more mature than others. Some may still need those long conversations with friends. Also, sometimes it really is better if a son or daughter decides to stay home and talk once in a while, rather than "hanging out" every, single, day or night.

Still, older teens aren't like younger ones, who are at the mercy of their age and inability to have much of outside life while also being a little too old for "play-with-toys" lifestyle. For older teens, it can be less of an "emotional hardship" to have parents reclaim the family phone line and expect the older teen to figure out how to make phone calls other than using the family phone.

Besides calls involving long conversations, there is another way kids of any age may use the phone too much. That is with lots and lots of short, pointless, phone calls. (It isn't just kids who do this, so parents should evaluate whether they are guilty of this behavior, often associated with cell phones.) Parents need to teach kids that phone calls should have a purpose, whether that purpose is to make plans, have a good conversation, or to report emergencies. Being a person who always has a phone in his hand, or plastered against an ear, for no real reason or purpose is neither polite nor the best use of one's own or someone else's time.

Whether it's a child of ten or sixteen, calling other people all through the day is making a pest of oneself; and kids need to know this, just as they need to know about refraining from any number of behaviors that involve making a pest of oneself (or otherwise acting impolitely).

An important consideration in determining how much is too much is also the potential hazards of cell phones. Kids making their long calls over the family landline and a phone with a cord don't face that potential, uncertain, risk associated with using a cell phone.

"Too much time on the phone" really is very much in the eye of individual parents (and elder sisters' boyfriends). Before parents consider making new rules or taking away phone privileges, they need to first consider why it is they believe their son or daughter is talking on the phone too much, and whether or not the phone use is detracting from, or adding to, the child's life.

2009-10-16T02:25:00.001-07:00

Beyond Barbie's Influence on Girls' Self-Image
The Barbie Doll is often blamed for the poor self-image of young girls and women, but does Barbie really represent something far more serious and sobering about femininity?
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/325045/beyond_barbies_influence_on_girls_selfimage.html

2009-10-16T02:24:00.001-07:00

Moms Who Bake the Cupcakes VS. Moms Who Buy Them
For decades now there has been debate about the meaning of sending homemade goodies to children's parties versus sending store-bought treats. Both sides have their valid points, but moms who send store-bought treats may not be such "bad mothers" after all.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/325281/moms_who_bake_the_cupcakes_vs_moms.html

2009-10-16T02:19:00.001-07:00

Teens and the People They Can Trust: The Friends VS. Family Dilemma
When teens must decide between trusting family versus trusting friends it can seem as if friends are the only ones who can be trusted. All is not always as it seems. Here's why.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/288752/teens_and_the_people_they_can_trust.html

Two-Year-Olds and Play

2009-08-08T03:15:00.000-07:00

Two-Year-Olds and Play

On How Little Kids Can Think

2009-05-28T06:12:00.000-07:00

On How Little Kids Can Think

How to Encourage a Toddler to Eat

2009-04-30T21:19:00.000-07:00

How to Encourage a Toddler to Eat

The Right Sport(s) for Your Child

2009-04-02T01:23:00.000-07:00

The Right Sport(s) for Your Child

Television- and Movie-Themed Toys

2009-03-31T02:51:00.001-07:00

The Toy Crazes that Movies and Television Shows Build
With every movie and most children's television shows come the inevitable toys and other items that become must-haves for children and must-finds for parents. Phases, like childhood and all other things, do tend to pass.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/325168/the_toy_crazes_that_movies_and_television.html

Should Parents Raise Children Without Television?

2009-03-30T12:52:00.000-07:00

www.helium.com/items/550442-should-parents-raise-their-children-without-television

Having A Baby and Having A Life Are Not Mutually Exclusive

2009-03-25T05:28:00.000-07:00

Having A Baby and Having A Life Are Not Mutually Exclusive

Henry's Awful Mistake by Robert Quackenbush

2009-03-25T05:22:00.000-07:00

Henry's Awful Mistake by Robert Quackenbush

Kids and Talking on the Phone

2009-03-25T05:20:00.000-07:00

Kids and Talking on the Phone

Two Parents, Two Opinions, and One Decision to Make

2009-03-25T05:17:00.000-07:00

Two Parents, Two Opinions, and One Decision to Make

Playpens and Play Yards and Proper Use of Them

2009-03-25T05:14:00.000-07:00

Playpens and Play Yards and Proper Use of Them

Thoughts on Vaccines for Children.

2009-03-13T11:27:00.000-07:00

Thoughts on Vaccines for Children.

Children's Tea Party - Menu and Activities Ideas

2009-03-13T11:22:00.000-07:00

Children's Tea Party - Menu and Activities Ideas

Tossing Your Baby in the Air for Fun - Is It Harmful?

2009-03-13T11:20:00.000-07:00

Tossing Your Baby in the Air for Fun - Is It Harmful?

Things to Consider Before Becoming a Parent

2008-12-04T21:00:00.000-08:00

Ask most people what a person should consider before becoming a parent, and perhaps the most common response would be, "Are you reasonably financially stable?" Most people recognize that it is not necessary to be extremely wealthy before bringing a child into the world, but that parents who struggle to feed and shelter themselves should not add a third (and innocent) person. The fact is a person's income level has nothing to do with the kind of parent he will be, but a basic level of financial stability cushions the parent and child from some of the destructive forces of poverty.

Poverty is not just a matter of who has to buy the cheap paper towels and store-label bread. It's about who can't afford to rent a two-bedroom apartment to set up a nice little home, or who has to live in subsidized housing in neighborhoods not fit for raising a child. Serious financial struggles permeate the mood of a parent, and if they go on long enough they can inevitably exhaust a parent to the point where she is incapable of giving her child the time and attention he needs.

Most people realize that there isn't often any such thing as a guarantee of financial stability, and most know if they wait for the ideal financial situation to have a child they may never have that child. Still, the fact is that somewhere between a guarantee of abundant wealth and permanent stability and "dirt poor", there is level of reasonable stability that a parent to offer his child what all children deserve. That level may not offer a parent life of never having to budget to pay the heating bill, but it will not result in a child's living with life's triple punch of a parent too stressed out to meet a child's emotional needs, an environment that doesn't always meet a child's needs for physical comfort and safety, and the mix of toxic factors contribute to a general feeling of being a "have not" in this world.

So, financial stability is an important consideration. There are, however, other, equally important considerations. Right up there with financial stability are the matters of emotional and mental stability. As with financial stability, it isn't necessarily required that any potential parent be a perfect specimen of emotional and mental health. No human being is a "perfect specimen”. There is, though, that basic level of solid emotional and mental health that is a child needs in a parent, and one of the vital ingredients to strong emotional and mental stability is always maturity.

The human being is not completely finished maturing until close to twenty five years old. Maturation, of course, is a gradual process; and a twenty-three-old person is usually more mature than an eighteen-year-old. Still, bones are not finished with the growth process until about twenty-five. More important, the brain is not completely finished developing until early- to mid- twenties. The prefrontal cortex is finishes developing around that time. Before that time, an immature prefrontal cortex can affect the way a young person thinks. Growth is a gradual process, so obviously the almost-completely-mature twenty-two-year-old would make a better parent than the sixteen-year-old, who is eight or nine years away from reaching full maturity. Then, too, there are different types of maturity; and that means that there can be a particularly responsible sixteen-year-old or one who is particularly "good with babies". Isolated areas of maturity, however, do not a whole, mature, parent make.

Waiting to reach a good age before having a child provides that child with the example of a good age to begin a family. Kids whose mothers were sixteen when they were born often think "that's how things are done". Kids with mothers were twenty-nine when they were born are more likely to realize that there is plenty of time for having a child.

While age may be a minimal prerequisite for some areas of maturity, it is not the only one. There are also forty-year-olds who have never quite reached emotional maturity and/or mental stability. Any person who realizes he has "issues" (beyond the normal inadequacies or flaws of being a well adjusted human being) should address those issues before considering becoming a parent. A child needs a parent who is whole.

Another important consideration is whether a person has a maternal/parental instinct. There are people who show that instinct even as young children. This instinct is a combination of a natural tendency to want to protect a child and a natural ability to put one's own needs second. It is the natural realization that even the smallest of infants is an individual little human being with feelings. This instinct is also the one that makes a normal mother naturally hold her infant in a way that allows both to gaze into the eyes of the other and "communicate" long before the child will talk.

This instinct is also the one that makes a parent respect and admire his child for the "little person" he is, rather than because the child "belongs to" him or shares his genetic material.

Some people show signs of a natural tendency to have this instinct even as very young children, themselves. Others have little opportunity to demonstrate this instinct until they have a child and discover they have this powerful instinct. There are, though, people (some who have several children) who are woefully lacking this instinct.

Yet another important consideration before becoming a parent is whether a person has a basic understanding of child development, beyond just whether she knows how to change a diaper or give a baby a bath. Those tasks are matters of "child care". Child development is a different matter. Many potential parents will try to educate themselves on child development (although some don't bother until a baby is on the way). Many don't look to reputable sources of information and instead are either content to listen to other parents in their lives, or else committed to do things their "own, better, way". Those who do make the effort to educate themselves about child development, however, often focus on the matters of when a child may walk, get teeth, or use language. Those are all things that show up in the average child development book. What most of the parenting books omit the matter of the formation of brain connections in the first few years of life, and while others may include a cursory discussion of the subject, an awful lot of children have their brain connections formed long before their parents pay any attention the child's brain development. An awful lot of parents believe their child's brain development isn't anything to think much about until it's time to start teaching the letters of the alphabet.

So, the important consideration here - before embarking on the challenge of "building a person" - is for potential parents to ask, exactly, how much have they educated themselves about child development, including the impact nurturing has on the development of brain connections from the day the child is born. A parent doesn't need to have an advanced degree in neurology or child development, but being a parent and "building a child" requires a whole lot more education that just learning how to meet the physical needs of a child and memorizing a few rules from a book (or any other source) that may apply to a child of one age, but not another. Anyone who is considering bringing a child into the world (or adopting one) should make it a point to educate himself by reading material written by reputable people associated with well known, well regarded institutions/agencies.

Related to maturity and parental instinct, but worthy of mention separately, is the consideration of whether a person is open to the likelihood that becoming a parent may well water down, or completely change, what one views as important in life. More than one mother who has worked hard to build a career discovers that once her baby is born she'd rather stay home with him. More than one couple who wanted very much to experience world travel "before they die" have discovered that something like the desire to travel either goes away once a child is born or must be put on the back burner for a couple of decades.

When a person is truly ready to become a parent he won't care much about the ways in which a child changes his whole world (and sometimes life plans). The person who has more "self-building" or "life building" to do may find postponing becoming a parent is a better way to "have it all".

The opposite consideration of not being quite mature enough to be the best parent one could be are the matters of both the biological clock and the maximum likely number of years left in a potential parents life. While having a child too young is not usually the best situation, having a child as the biological clock is winding down can mean higher risk of problems in the pregnancy and for the child. While children usually benefit from having "good-and-mature" parents, considering how old one will be (if all goes well) when the child is twenty is a good idea. It can be a myth that a parent in his fifties may not "have the energy" for a ten-year-old child. Many people have more energy in their fifties than they did in their thirties. Not all do, of course. It does depend on the person.

A larger concern related to being older before having a child is the increased risk of dying before that child is really ready (if one ever is) to lose his parent, but also missing out on seeing one's future grandchildren and giving them the benefit of having their grandparent. (In spite of not being ready to lose either of my parents, I was far more emotionally prepared to lose my seventy-seven-year-old mother in my forties than lose my sixty-two-year-old father at twenty-one.) There are never guarantees that we will not leave a child far too early, but being too far at the end of the age spectrum before having a child does increase the chances of dying when a child is still young enough to feel "short-changed" at losing so many years with his parent.

One consideration that may be among the most talked about by parents is the matter of being prepared to (at least for a time) give up any number of things that, before having children, we usually just assume we'll always have. Sleep may be the best example of one of these things. A parent must be prepared to do without sleep. Having the time to sleep as much we want or need is something that can just disappear once a child arrives. Being exhausted and sleeping no longer go together. More importantly, a potential parent needs to know she can do without sleep for, perhaps, years and be happy about it. Sitting down and eating a leisurely meal can be a rare luxury. Showers sometimes must be fit in when a child sleeps or taken quickly as an infant sits in his seat on the fluffy bath rug.

A parent often finds that friends who are parents often must retreat into their own parental worlds, and friends who have no children eventually seem to disappear for all but holidays and birthdays. Being a parent can mean not getting the professional manicure because Santa Claus is coming, and it also happens that a child decided to be born three days after Christmas. It can mean being patient and gracious enough to be "projectile-vomited-on" several times a day and be ok with that. It can mean no longer always wearing wool jackets or satin blouses and only wearing them after safely leaving the baby with Grandma. It's difficult to name all the things that often go by the wayside (at least sometimes, sometimes for only a while, but often forever), but these are things that we just kind of grow up taking for granted - only to discover that they are often rare luxuries for parents.

A person considering becoming a parent needs to ask himself whether he's some who generally has a lot of common sense. Common sense is something that is often too rare in parents, and it is the thing that a child often needs most from his parents. Not only does common sense help a person be a better parent, but it takes common sense to raise a child who has it too. Common sense helps a parent know how to keep his child safe. It helps him recognize when to get that child to a doctor. Common sense helps a parent recognize, too, when to listen to the experts and when to think for himself. Common sense also helps a parent figure out how to manage some of the overwhelming worry that sets in before the child is born and sometimes seems to grow more and more overwhelming as the child grows to, and beyond, adulthood.

An often overlooking consideration is whether or not a couple is married. There is something to be said for a relationship a couple believes is so permanent and stable they aren't afraid to commit to it by getting married. There is also something caring about at least trying to offer one's children the very normal thing of having two married parents who share his name. Divorces happen, and they happen more than they should. They are difficult and certainly create challenges and issues with which to be dealt. As in the case of financial stability, there are not always guarantees that a marriage that seems stable will stay that way. Still, even with all its challenges, some believe that a ten-year-old child who grew up looking at his now divorced parents' wedding picture on the mantel is usually better off than the four-year-old whose never-married mother has gone through two boyfriends (including the present live-in one), and whose father now has gone through three girlfriends (one whom is now the mother of the two-year-old's half-sister).

If nothing else, being married before having a child provides that child with an example of the most ideal circumstances under which a child should be brought into the world.

An extremely important consideration before becoming a parent is this: It is important for a potential parent to ask why it is he's considering having (or adopting) a baby. If the answer to that question is, "I have all kinds of love and other things to share with a child" that's a good answer. On the other hand, if - even if left unspoken - the answer to that question is any of the following, re-thinking the idea of becoming a parent is necessary:

"I want a baby because I love babies and think it would fun."

"Maybe a baby is what my husband and I need right now."

"I admire pretty young mothers with babies and all those cute baby things and want to be like them."

"I would like someone who will love me."

"I'd love to be pregnant."

"My boyfriend will probably marry me if we have a baby."

"People would know I'm a grown up if I had a baby."

"My spouse and I have such good genes it is our responsibility to contribute to the gene pool."

and last not but least:

"I see what a bad job a lot of parents do, and I want to have a baby and show people what a good parent I am."

It is never possible to convey - even in a whole lot words - all the things a person should consider before becoming a parent. Just as we cannot put into words the love a parent has for a child, it is not possible to describe the demands, worries, and changes that occur once we become parents.

The irony is that the better prepared and capable we are, the fewer demands and challenges sometimes are. Another irony is that while we should be completely mature before becoming parents, the fact is we grow beyond our wildest imagination once we do have a child.

Being a parent is an amazingly wonderful experience, but is also one that means worrying and never quite being completely carefree again in our lives. The presence of the need to worry about getting getting coats for three or four people before we leave the house goes away as each child grows; but the presence of that child's existence and needs never, ever, leaves that part of our minds and hearts we have reserved for that child and any siblings he happens to have.

Becoming a parent and "building a person" (and a family and a future for that family) is a huge responsibility and requires a lot of work and thought. It can make whole people discover they can be more whole, but it can also make not-quite-whole people raise not-quite-whole children.

Becoming a parent is often something worth waiting for and always something requiring lots and lots of consideration. In the movie, “Forrest Gump,” Forrest remarks to his friend, Jenny (the young woman whose perfectly pretty appearance hid beneath the enormous scars of a broken childhood) that he is not a smart man but that he knows what love is. Perhaps the most important consideration for anyone considering becoming a parent (or considering risking becoming a parent through carelessness) is whether or not that person knows what love is (truly knows what real love – complete with all the aspects of it – is), and whether that person is capable of feeling and sharing that love with a helpless, inconvenient, worrisome, needy, exhausting, sometimes adorable, and sometimes not-so-adorable child.

Thoughts on the Benefits of Staying Home with Babies and Young Children

2008-11-30T17:51:00.000-08:00

In the debate on the benefits children get from having a stay-at-home mom who takes care of them versus being in an outside child-care situation, some people believe that - no matter what the circumstances - children are always better off with a stay-at-home mom. Others believe - no matter what - that children gain advantages in a daycare setting they cannot gain at home. I don't believe either of these narrow approaches is correct. There are too many variables that must be factored into any individual situation. They can include any number of things - the child's age, the number of hours in daycare, the quality of the daycare, the quality of parenting at home, and on and on and on.

Here, however, are my views on why children with capable, loving, mothers are better off being cared for by their own mother/father (at least as much as possible):

In general, babies and preschoolers are better off being raised primarily by a stay-at-home parent. That assertion, however, is based on the presumption that the parent is a loving, capable, mature, parent with enough common sense, understanding of child development, and parental instinct to adequately meet the child's developmental needs.

That number of qualifying traits may at first seem a little restrictive, but a good percentage of parents who are generally emotionally stable and mature enough to be parents have what is needed. Not all do.

Much of a child's development occurs during the years from birth to school age, with a substantial degree of development occurring in the first three years of life. A baby comes into this world in need of nurturing that will encourage optimal development of his brain, central nervous system, large and fine motor skills, and ability to develop attachment. A substantial portion of the development of brain connections occurs during the first three years of life, with yet additional skills developing in the first five. With the right nurturing a child's brain will form connections that will serve him for the rest of his life. Two very important functions of the development of the right brain connections include the development of a properly functioning stress response system and immune system.

The good news is that a parent need not be a expert in neurology or have advanced degrees in child development to be able to offer a child the high-quality nurturing that each and every child needs. When a child has a parent who meets the needs of children from birth to preschool that child has the opportunity to reach his optimal development. While infants and toddlers certainly require a lot of care, they don't - when it comes down to it - have many needs. They need food, sleep, clean clothes, and a clean home to meet their physical needs. Emotionally, they need to feel safe, secure, and loved.

The bad news (at least for some parents) is that brain connections are not just related to the stress response system, the immune system, or even language development. They're related to every part of the developing brain, including those parts that determine whether a child feels emotionally secure, bonds well with people close to him, and, in general, has the skills needed to function well in life.

What many people often overlook, however, is that babies and toddlers need a parent who gives them plenty of attention (engages them and encourages attachment), talks to them (makes them feel a part of the world, encourages language development, and generally encourage feeling valued), and responds to them (teaches trust in the parent and, to some extent, the people in general). Babies and toddlers also need a parent to protect them (at least to some extent) from the demands and insults of the world outside the home until the child has the cognitive, emotional, and physical development to be better able to cope.

The four-year-old in preschool understands the very reasonable concept of taking turns with a playmate. The eighteen-month old toddler in day care is not able to understand such a concept, emotionally capable of graciously dealing with having a toy taken away "out of the blue", or feeling capable when faced with a two-year-old who takes away that toy. The two-year-old who hits a playmate for taking away his toy doesn't understand the reasoning behind, "It's not nice to hit." Having acted out of his own inability to control his emotions (because of his age), a two-year-old feels victimized by the playmate who took his toy and doesn't understand why he is the one being scolded. Children, of course, must learn to deal with playing with other children; and being exposed to other children in small does is a good way for them to begin learning. Generally, however, children learn this (and other social skills) once they reach a stage in development when learning is possible.

The more a child is thrust into the outside world when he is not very skilled at dealing with it, the less time he is spending in an environment where his needs are being met and where he feels safe, secure, and unthreatened by a world that can be difficult to understand.

It is known that it takes much of the first year of a baby's life for him to grasp the concept that he and his mother are not "one person", and that his is separate from her. It makes sense to question whether having a different caretaker (or a set of them) in the first year of life could interrupt "the normal flow of development" in an infant under one year old. One question is whether a baby may experience negative effects by being separated for too long from the person with whom he views himself as "one person". Another question is whether spending a substantial portion of each day away from his mother may actually damage the kind of bond that otherwise becomes established.

In the second year of life a child continues to develop a rapid rate. A one-year-old may be wobbly when walking, while a two-year-old is solid on his feet. Although nurturing language development begins earlier, between one and two years old a child makes giant strides in that area. Still heavily relyiant on his mother/parent, a child between one and two is at a stage when he's learning to master his own body. The child under two is extremely attached to his mother/parent, because it is't until he reaches two years old that he begins to realize he has the ability to think for himself and have a substantial amount of control over his immediate world.

The growth that takes place in the first two years of life is focused on the development of the child, himself, and on his relationship with his mother/parent(s). Children develop at different rates; but, in general, there is a universal "system" to the whole process of evolving from a newborn to a separate, independent, little person (who knows that's what he is).

The third year of life can be difficult for someone who is brand new at finally being an independent little person. Two-year-olds don't have the emotional development to deal with a lot of the frustrations of life - even life in the small world of their home. Two-year-olds benefit from being given that extra little bit of time to get used to being their own little person in the smaller, safer, world of their home before being expected to deal with the larger world. That's not to say that two-year-olds don't enjoy a day at Grandma's or being at the park with a parent and a bunch of other children. It's just that, on a day-to-day basis, two-year-olds are pretty new to "being people" and still need to, most of the time, be kind of protected from those demands and insults of the larger world. (We wouldn't put a one-year-old toddler at the edge of a busy street and hope he would feel secure as well as make it across safely. For someone mature enough to cross a busy street, however, there is little sense of insecurity; and, in all likelihood, that person will make it across safely. The same would seem to apply, in a less dramatic way, to placing a two-year-old versus placing a four-year-old in an outside childcare situation.)

By three years old children have mastered most of the basic "being-a-person" skills they need. Three-year-olds seem to crave one-to-one attention from the adults closest to them, and the fourth year is the year when children expand their learning to learning about day-to-day living (as opposed to learning how to master their own bodies and function in their little world). Parents who have stayed home with their three-year-olds know how this seems to be a year in which the bond between parent and child grows even stronger. Looking to their mother/parent for guidance and information, while viewing that parent with admiration, the three-year-old's attachment to adults close to him seems at a peak. Still not being "cognitively sophisticated" to even think about some of the fears about the world that will eventually occur for him (fear of death, fear of lightning, fear of burglars, fear of hurricanes, etc.); and still even being too young to entirely grasp some concepts (for example, the concept that if something falls behind a large bookcase it has not disappeared into some "black hole" without the possibility of retrieving it); the three-year-old can seem to enjoy a very happy and peaceful world. It can seem as if this fourth year of a child's life is is the year in which he "firms up" his identity, his relationship with parents and family members, and his appreciation of the world.

When three-year-olds have had the benefit of a solid beginning they're often developmentally advanced enough to appreciate activities outside the home, with other children. Needier three-year-olds may need more time to appreciate such activities and be happy being with other children.
The fourth year is a great time for a child to get the chance to practice having experiences in settings outside the home and with other children. There is, however, a reason that schools do not allow even advanced three-year-olds to attend kindergarten; and that reason is that a three-year-old is generally not mature enough to do well in such settings if left in them for too long.

At four years old (earlier for children who are particularly emotionally mature) children start to long to be out with other children. They may be completely happy at home or out with a parent each day, but they really start to seem to need time being out with other children their age. They seem to enjoy having their own world outside the home as well. This is, of course, when most parents believe their child will benefit from having some preschool experience. With preschool, as with kindergarten, however, there is the matter of how much of the outside world children can comfortably deal with before becoming tired. Four-year-olds are young children and becoming tired is something many do when outside the home for too long. (For that matter, six-year-olds can return home from first grade, exhausted each afternoon. It isn't until some children get past six or so that they seem to develop the truly boundless stamina of the primary school years. Before that children can have plenty of energy but only so many hours of it before becoming over-tired.)

All of these developmental realities would seem to point to a child's being better off with a capable stay-at-home parent (as opposed to a full-time, outside, child-care situation). The most wonderful, loving, capable, outside child-care provider in the world is not, and cannot be, bonded with a child in the same ways that his parent(s) can be. The combination of a parent's being capable, loving, and bonded as parents are with their children, make for a better and safer situation for a child. One-on-one attention contributes to that better scenario. A five-year-old girl in a daycare situation was killed when a bookcase fell on her. Parents can make sure there is no such hazard in their own home. A toddler was strangled by his carseat strap when an otherwise caring daycare provider while she left him and his twin sibling in their car seats until she made a quick run into the house.

There is no way to screen providers and eliminate the possibility that such isolated situations may occur, or to screen for judgment in every possible circumstance. It is true that children have been accidentally injured and killed by a parent's bad judgment as well; but as horrible as that it is, it does remain quite different from situations in which children are killed by a provider's mistakes.

Parental mistakes, of course, lead to the matter of when children may be better off being cared for outside the home. There are parents who aren't quite as capable or mature as is best for children. Some have few parenting skills, little patience, and/or little understanding of child development. Some may not have the time or instinct to make sure each child gets sufficient individual attention, and others may simply lack common sense to the detriment of their child. Unfortunately, too, there are parents use abuse drugs and/or alcohol enough to affect their parenting, attachment, and judgment even if not to the point of making them unfit to spend any time with their child at all.

When a child's parent(s) is not what a parent needs to be then that child would usually be better off being raised outside the home by skilled care providers. It may not be what is best for any child, but it certainly what is better for a child of parents who lack the ability to be the right kind of parents.

In her poem, "Children Learn What They Live," Dorothy Law Nolte's assertion that child's behavior and personalities are affected by the people around them is right on track. Babies and young children who spend a lot of time in a daycare situation are living with other babies and young children who are too young to (for lack of a better description) be good role models. In daycare situations aimed at offering care for children of disadvantaged or unskilled parents children are living with other children who may have behavior issues beyond those of the average toddler or preschooler. The best daycare situation in the world may minimize the "jungle-out-there" atmosphere that lower quality facilities may have; but no outside care can offer a child what his own capable, loving, parent can.

None of this is intended to be an indictment of all working parents or all outside childcare situations. Although studies have linked behavior problems (in five-year-olds, as well as in sixth-grade students) with the amount of time spent in outside care (including in the care of relatives), the National Institute of Health has also reached the conclusion (at least as of this year) that the quality of parenting can offset risks of developing behavior problems as a result of too much time in daycare. Studies have also shown that an advantage of being in daycare can be a better vocabulary when a child reaches middle-school age. (As a mother who stayed home with my own children, who had amazing vocabularies as preschoolers and who continued to have excellent vocabularies right through childhood, I can only conclude that being cared for by a capable parent does not necessarily have any negative effects on vocabulary. Also, as a child who was cared for by own at-home mother, and as one who had an excellent vocabulary (as did my siblings), I do question the connection between better vocabulary and daycare. Of course, there is the fact that some daycare situations may offer better environments for the development of vocabulary than some homes do. Another consideration is that many working parents are well educated (and may or may not be particularly skilled at nurturing vocabulary development in their child).

How early a child is placed in daycare, the number of hours/days he spends there each week, and the length of time he will be there are all things parents need to consider. So is the age of the child and the degree of quality of parenting they are willing/able to offer the child.

We live in a time when so many parents and experts alike focus on the development of the brain connections that will help a young child learn to read and memorize sometimes phenomenal amounts of academic information. I'm not opposed to making parents aware that children need to be encouraged to learn early. My own children recognized words at two, memorized the birthdays of everyone in the immediate and extended families, and completed puzzles designed for children much older. They weren't "flash-carded". They were just curious and picked things up. Abraham Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs asserts that once physical needs are met a person's focus turns to having emotional/social needs are met. Once those are met the individual can then move on to higher thinking. I've always believed that this was what was in play when my own two-year-olds showed so much natural curiosity and love of learning more and more.

In this time in which we live, however, it can seem as if there is little focus on that most basic relationship between a baby/toddler and his mother - and that is that gradual "building of a little person" and of a relationship for those first few years leading up to when a child is ready to begin his journey in the "real" world on his own. The reason for this could be that people, in general, assume that the maternal relationship/engagement with a child comes naturally; but our society has enough increasing "epidemics" of one social malady or another to make us wonder if, in fact, that "right kind of engagement and attachment" really does come so naturally to children.

Children with capable, loving, good, parents are (in my opinion) always better off being cared for by their own parent(s). Children who are not so fortunate may not always be, but sometimes and in some ways, even those children are. Throughout most of the animal kingdom (there are species that deviate from this) mothers nurture their babies until their babies are ready to go out into the world. In our more sophisticated and complex human society it may not always be that simple, but it is always worth considering.

http://www.highbeam.com/doc/1P1-43615288.html
http://www.csulb.edu/~kmacd/361daycare.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/26/us/26center.html
http://www.classbrain.com/artread/publish/article_30.shtml

How to Comfort Your Crying Baby

2008-11-07T02:57:00.000-08:00

Knowing how to comfort your crying baby requires first understanding the four different types of circumstances that lead to crying, but that there are really only two different types of crying - "simple" and "complicated".

"SIMPLE' CRYING

Your baby's crying can be caused by a number of different discomforts, and some of those are easily identified and remedied. The first step in trying to comfort your unhappy baby is to try to identify any easy-to-remedy causes of fussing or crying, and eliminate them. One might call this crying situation "simple crying" because there's usually nothing complicated about it, and it is usually easy to remedy. This is the first type of circumstance that leads to fussing or crying.

Sometimes, though, what starts out as "simple" crying can turn into "complicated" crying, often because a baby has been particularly upset by his discomfort (possibly because he has been uncomfortable longer than he's emotionally capable of dealing with)

"COMPLICATED" CRYING.

The second type of circumstance that can lead to crying is when the cause of a baby's crying is not easy to identify. Most often such times occur when your baby has been over-stimulated or has been upset long enough to make calming down too difficult for him. (This is an example of when "simple" crying turns into "complicated" crying.) Other difficult-to-identify crying can be caused by sickness, including ear infection or digestive discomfort.

The third type of circumstance that leads to crying is when the cause is no mystery, but there is no remedy. An example of this situation is when a baby has teething pain or is uncomfortable (or in pain) because he's sick.

The fourth type of circumstance includes those times when more than one of the above types of causes combine, and just make your baby's day (and often, night) so miserable he just feels like crying. (We've all had those days, but unlike babies, we at least understand what's wrong with us.)

IDENTIFYING THE CAUSE OF "SIMPLE' CRYING

Obviously, the first type of crying is the easiest to stop simply because eliminating the cause usually ends the crying. Asking the following questions usually gets to the root of "simple" crying, even though in some instances it is not possible to eliminate the cause:

Is your baby hungry?

If he has recently been fed might he still need to burp? When the last burp never quite came up it can turn into uncomfortable gas that can take some time to be expelled. Crying caused by "left-over" burps usually lasts until the gas is finally expelled.

Is his diaper dry? Keep in mind that if he has even a slightly irritated diaper area a wet diaper can cause burning even after he's been changed (diaper cream, of course, can help that).

If your baby is bottle-fed check the hole in the nipple to make sure he has gotten as much milk as he needs. Sometimes babies can seem to be finished with the bottle when, in fact, they have just given up because no milk is coming through the hole in the nipple.

Is something hurting your baby? Check fingers and toes to make sure there are no threads wrapped around them. Check clothing for clothing tags that may be out of place or folded and bothersome. Check to make sure the neck of shirts or sleepers isn't pulling too tight.

Is your baby cold? Touch his hand to see if it feels cold. Notice if his hands have that look of being slightly darker or redder, with "lines" showing.

Is he too hot? Babies who are too hot can have sweaty-looking hair at the back of the head. An extremely hot baby can look flushed. Babies with warm hats on can sometimes become too warm in the car or stores.

Does he have a fever? A fever, of course, can indicate that your baby is sick. Ear infections are a common (although certainly not the only) cause of fever

Particularly in the case of younger infants: Is the baby's environment too over-stimulating? Are there too many bright and/or mixed lights? Are there a lot of different noises and/or too much loud noise? Is there a lot of activity in general? If any of the conditions exist, try turning down some lighting, restoring a moderate quiet to the house (it doesn't have to be silent - just "on the quieter side"), and asking anyone who is contributing to the sense of "high activity" to reduce some of the activity for a while. Another option is to remove the baby from the over-stimulating area.

Particularly in the case of older babies: Has your baby been left in his crib for a long time and expected to sleep, when he may not be tired? It can be boring to be in bed when not sleepy, and boredom in babies can then lead to loneliness and frustration.

The above questions can help you identify whether your baby's crying is "simple" crying or not. Whether you can do anything to remedy his discomfort depends on the reason he's crying, but it's always wise to run down this list when your baby is suffering with unusual crying.

COMFORTING YOUR CRYING BABY:

Whether or not a baby's crying has an easily identified cause that can be remedied or not, the most effective way to comfort most crying babies is remains primarily the same approach:

Hold your baby up over your shoulder with the side of his cheek or his head nuzzled close to your neck or face. Don't just "flop" or "plop" him over your shoulder. Hold him in a super-secure, snuggled, way. Newborns and very young infants should be held in a way that allows their legs to tuck up a little, with their bottom sticking out slightly. If gas or colic is the problem a baby will be more comfortable with slightly tucked legs. Newborns, of course, tend to feel secure in a position that somewhat resembles a fetal position.

Just because your newborn will kind of "stick" to your shoulder area because he's floppy, and just because your nine-month old can hold his back straight, it doesn't mean your baby doesn't need to be held as if your arms don't matter. Your baby needs to feel the safety of your comforting arms, and that means your arms can't be relaxed and "casual". Hold him securely and firmly. Imagine "trying to send him warmth" through your arms.

Stroke the back of his head gently. Stroke the top of his ears. Stroke the back of his hand or upper arms.

Remain calm and aim to let him know that you are completely capable of making him feel reassured.

Whether you walk gentle around the room/house with your baby, stand in one place and rock from side to side, or sit and rock your baby (either in a rocking chair or else "rocking-chair style") can depend on what works best for your baby during any particular crying spell.

The younger the infant, the more likely he will be to respond to slightly faster walking or rocking. The older the baby, the more likely he will be to respond to walked or rocked in a dimmer, quieter, room with your singing in a low, monotonous, tone.

Babies over three months old can sometimes also be distracted from their discomfort by being entertained a little. An uncomfortable baby doesn't usually appreciate "knee-slapping hilarity". On the other hand, just the right funny words spoken in a funny way can temporarily distract them. A fussy six-month-old may enjoy be held so he can flip a light switch on and off or (strange as this sounds) pull the drapery cord to open and close the drapes over and over again. An eight-month old with teeth just about to come through may forget his gums when he sees a "kitty" or something else that he finds entertaining. A crying four-month old can sometimes get his mind on a particularly entertaining (and, again, quiet) toy. The point is that even a baby who is experiencing pain can sometimes temporarily get his mind off his misery by being distracted.

The distraction approach, however, usually only works if your baby has first been made to feel very secure and comforted by a sure and warmly pleasant adult.

There is almost a recipe for comforting a crying baby. The most important ingredient is a calm, consistent, pleasant, and reassuring adult who doesn't seem to be wildly trying one thing after another in efforts to comfort the baby. While just being calm, pleasant, and reassuring may not always be enough at first (if at all), not being these things will almost guarantee that nothing else you try will work. Even if you can't see any results at first, your efforts will be felt by your baby; and that means it is unlikely his "cycle of upset" will continue to spiral upwards. In other words, if nothing else, being calm and reassurring will keep him from getting even more upset.

Equally important is that second ingredient of holding your baby in the way described above.

Once the two above ingredients are in place there is a good chance that will be enough to comfort your baby. If it isn't enough, it is from here that you can move on (while still holding him securely and remaining calm and pleasant) and try walking, rocking, and distracting.

Your upset baby needs you to be an actor of sorts. His crying may make you feel helpless, but you can't let him know that. If he's sick you will be worried, but you can't let him know that. You may be exhausted, but you need to disregard that and pretend you're not.

Sometimes your crying baby isn't really crying because teething is painful or because gas is making his tummy hurt. Sometimes it more a matter of being new in this world and feeling that life is too hard to deal with when there is discomfort. You are, however, your baby's world; and you can show your baby that even when there's discomfort for him, his world can be comforting, safe, and reassuring.

The "Santa Lie" - The Beautiful Truth About Some Fantasy

2008-11-06T03:24:00.001-08:00

Not long ago someone raised the issue of "The Big Santa Claus Lie". The person raising this issue stated that there is no Santa Claus, and he asked whether parents should tell that lie to their children. I did tell that lie to my children, who - now grown - continue to trust me and believe, as I did, that believing in Santa for just a while is a nice part of childhood.

This is my answer to those who see the Santa Claus story as nothing but a lie that should not be told:

When I was four years old I tried to engage the dull little boy next door in some imaginary play. I thought I was starting the "story" for both us when I told him I had a horse in my basement, and there was also a train small enough for children to ride in the basement as well. This unimaginative little kid didn't get my attempt to engage him in fantasy (even though I didn't have the word for it at the time), and he went and asked my father if we really had a horse and a train. It was then "established" that I had told giant lies, and I was lectured about not lying.

At four years old I didn't really have understanding and words needed to explain that I had been trying to engage this little dullard in fantasy, so I just let my parents think I was a big liar. Once I got older I realized that my lie was just a good natured attempt to get some play started.

Children love magic and fantasy. They understand it much younger than people think they can. While young children believe Santa is real (when they're told about him) and get to feel that magical feeling, older children who know better usually understand the concept of engaging someone else in fantasy - for no reason other than offering a little magic and imagination in a world that, without fantasy, wouldn't have much of those things.

Kids are smarter and more understanding than many people give them credit for. As a former Santa-believer, sibling of other Santa-believers, and mother of three former Santa-believers, I've found that most former believers just kind of understand that their parents wanted them to share in something make-believe and special when children are young and magic makes such nice memories. Most kids understand the different between fantasy and a pattern of deceit. Most don't get older and ask what else their parents lied about. They understand the difference and understand that all their parents wanted to do was give them something nice before they got too old and too cynical for that type of thing.

Most parents helps children transition from believing to not believing by talking about the spirit behind the Santa story, and talking about how even if Santa doesn't real come down the chimney the spirit of magic at Christmas is in the hearts of those who want it to be.

When my kids were little, after they were asleep and the gifts were out, I'd take a few minutes to go out on my front lawn at around midnight or even two a.m. I'd stand on my high suburban lawn and look at the lights that were still on in some houses. Of course, that time of night in December in New England is cold and silent and crisp - and I would stand and listen to the silence, look at the stars, and imagine that somewhere out in that expanse of black sky maybe Santa's sleigh was soaring by.

With the feeling of having finished all my shopping, decorating, and putting out the "Santa" things while worrying that a child would wake up, I would enjoy this moment in the cold Winter night, knowing all had been done but the Christmas dinner. A season of work had ended, and there behind the bedroom windows of my home slept my greatest gifts.

The mind is a funny thing, and I am not making this up for the purposes of this post, but I would actually kind of hear distant sleighbells off in the distance. The world is full of lies and people who cannot imagine up a little magic. Children can pretty much sort out lies from fantasy, and they can usually can understand that parents' wish to create a little a magic for just a few years is a well intentioned attempt to let little ones have a childhood before the world steps in. My children are grown now, but this year - as I do ever year - I'll be going outside on Christmas Eve and standing there until I think I may hear the sleigh bells.

What I learned from my parents, who lied to me about Santa, was how much fun it is to feel the magic; and how even though the magic is smaller once we're grown, there are still ways to find it. If I had another child tomorrow, yes, I'd lie to that one too.

Do You Want Your Child To Grow Up To Vote?

2008-11-03T19:47:00.000-08:00

Children learn by example

If you believe your candidate is winning don't take that for granted. If you believe your candidate is not winning don't create a self-fulfilling prophecy by not voting. Also, don't forget that the presidential election is not the only thing on which your vote is needed

VOTE

What Teen Mothers Need to Know

2008-10-28T05:04:00.000-07:00

Teen mothers can be excellent mothers because loving and nurturing a baby doesn't necessarily require having passed 25 or 30 birthdays. Many teen mothers are at a disadvantage, however, because many, themselves, have mothers who had them young and may not necessarily have provided examples of the most "solid" nurturing skills. For other teen mothers, the pregnancy and delivery are but one part of a general rebellion often associated with the teen years. Then, too, there are young women in serious relationships who find themselves pregnant, decide to keep their baby, but may be resistant to their own mother's child-rearing advice because (rightfully so) they want to raise their child their own way. Situations like these can mean a high number of teen mothers who aren't as knowledgeable about child development as mothers need to be.

Health care workers, books, websites, and other experienced mothers offering information about feeding, diapering, bathing, and other child-care basics are plentiful. Information about developmental milestones is also plentiful. Often, however, teen mothers (even the most conscientious, who may actively seek to educate themselves about parenting) remain in the dark about one of the most important aspects of parenting; and that is having an awareness of the "theme" (focus) of different ages between birth to five. Another area of parenting often overlooked by inexperienced mothers is the need to keep language development in mind right from the newborn's first days.

Common problems for many teen mothers are having crying, "frazzled", babies; having well cared for but poorly behaved preschoolers, and having children who are bright but not "ready" to attend kindergarten.

Some of these problems could potentially be eliminated if mothers understood the following basics of the first five years of life:

WHAT TEEN MOTHERS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THEIR CHILD'S DEVELOPMENT

The different stages associated with their own focus (or "developmental theme") are:

FROM BIRTH TO TWO YEARS OLD:

The theme for these first two years: Making a baby feel secure and safe, as well as laying the foundation for language development and interacting with you, are the "developmental theme" (focus) of babies/toddlers in this age range.

How to make a baby feel secure:

Hold him securely (rather than sling him over your arm, causing him to feel a little less secure).

Be responsive whenever he fusses or cries, and don't show your exhaustion, loss of patience, of frustration. (This can be exhausting for mothers of any age, but babies with responsive mothers tend to cry less in the long run. On top of that, it is now known that crying equals distress, and distress equals stress. Stress is not good for a baby's development.)

Don't let several adults pass your baby around. This can be overwhelming for babies. This doesn't mean not to let your mother hold the baby for a while. There is a difference between that and allowing several people to pass him around (or two people to pass him back and forth).

Keep in mind that babies have young central nervous systems, and being frazzled as a result of being over-stimulated (either through too much active play or too much activity around him) happens easily. This doesn't mean you have to whisper in the house and keep all the lights off, but it does mean to keep your baby's environment in mind, try to keep things calm a good part of the time, and give your baby "quiet time" during his day.

Be calm and comforting with your baby. He is new to the world, and you are his only world until he gets a little older. Even then, you are a very big part of his world. He needs to know that the person he trusts to keep him safe is capable and calm.

Laying the Foundation for Language Development and Encouraging Interaction:

All this takes is talking to your baby from the day he's born, and holding him so he can face you while you look in his eyes and talk in a soothing, calm, and/or cheerful soft voice. Since he won't understand what you're saying, you can, of course, talk about how much you love him. Also, however, talk about the things that affect him or that you're doing. For example, when you put a sleeper on him say something like, "One arm. Other arm. One leg. Other leg," as you put each of his arms and legs in the sleeper. Saying things like, "Let's go get your bath ready," or "Ooh - it's cold out" (when you step outside and notice how cold it feels) can help your baby in at least two ways: 1. He feels that you value him enough to talk to him, and 2. Long before he is able to use words he will begin to associate some of the words he has heard since he was born.

Talking to your baby will remain one of the most vital things you can do throughout his early years (as well as his later childhood years, but for different reasons).

As your baby nears one keeping his sense of security in mind is necessary for a new reason: Your baby will become aware that you and he are separate people, but he won't be able to understand that if you're not in the room you aren't gone forever. For the months between about nine months and thirteen months (or so) you need to be particularly understanding of this developmental stage.

Also, babies who are new walkers tend to fall often and easily. Keeping in mind that falls on carpets and grass don't hurt but falls downstairs, on fireplace hearths, or corners of coffee tables do; try to protect your baby from getting hurt too often. One-year-olds who are constantly getting hurt and sometimes being pushed aside by older children can feel particularly frazzled.

As your baby nears and passes his second birthday he'll need your understanding, patience, and cleverness in helping him deal with (and sometimes avoid) the frustrations of being new at feeling like an independent little person while still not having the emotional composure to be able to deal with a frustrating world. Try to keep him away from situations you know will invite a temper tantrum. Give in to him once a while if possible (it will show him you are willing/able to let him have a little control of things, and it won't set a pattern of bad behavior for the rest of time).

Keep in mind that a tired and/or hungry two-year-old is grouchier than a well rested, well fed, one. Also, keep in mind that he's still pretty young and still needs some quiet time during his day. Keeping up with older children can be pretty difficult for two-year-olds, so limit his time with older kids sometimes.

THREE YEARS OLD

The theme for this year is, "Your Child's Admiration of, and Wish to Be With, You".

With so much brain development that occurs in the first three years of life, it can seem as if turning three marks the beginning of your child's being a kind of "complete" child, and this is a year when child will seem to be absolutely "in love" with you or other special adults in his life. Three-year-olds (known for asking too many "why's") want to know about the things in day-to-day life. Capitalize on this great age by spending lots of nice time with your three-old, doing simple things like going out for lunch, bringing him with you on errands but talking about everything you encounter on the trip, reading to him, and teaching him things like how to set the table or fold socks. Of course, three is also a great age to introduce some letters, numbers, colors, etc. If your child picks up letters and numbers, great. If he doesn't, he's got time. It isn't an emergency.

FOUR YEARS OLD

The theme for this, the fifth year, is, "The Year of the Expanding World - Getting Ready for School".

Having had three solid years of "turning into a complete, little, person" and one solid year of focusing on his close relationship with you (and other special adults in his life), as well as learning some of the basics of day-to-day life; four is the year when children show particular interest in expanding their world to friends and activities outside the home. Birthday parties, trips out, preschool, and other activities make a four-year-old''s life more interesting. Four is when you can talk about kindergarten, what will go on there, and how nice it will be. Four is also the age when encouraging some sit-down activities for part of every day is important. Drawing, puzzles, blocks, PlayDoh, or any other sit-down activity helps a child discover how much fun can be had even when playing quietly. These activities encourage your child's skill development in other ways as well.

FIVE YEARS OLD

The theme for this year is "The Kindergarten Year - The Beginning of a New Stage of Childhood"

From this sixth year on, the focus for parents shifts from "building a child" or "building a brain" to "guiding your child through childhood". When parents have been loving and skilled during the baby and preschool years the child they "built" is most often a well behaved, nice, child with few problems. What parent could ask for anything more

Children Who Lie - Thoughts on What Parents Should Do

2008-10-05T19:25:00.000-07:00

Children Who Lie - Thoughts on What Parents Should Do

Teaching A Young Child to Tie

2008-10-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

Teaching A Young Child to Tie

Halloween Party Fun for Preschoolers

2008-10-04T02:25:00.000-07:00

Adult Supervision Required, Of Course

When a Halloween get-together involves preschoolers (ages two through four) , the usual games of Bobbing for Apples and "Identify the Creepy-Feeling Object" aren't appropriate.

Besides having less developed skills than older children, preschoolers are easily frightened by some aspects of Halloween.

Here are some simple games that preschoolers may find fun:

"Modified Bobbing for Apples". Instead of placing apples in a pan of water, hang a string from one side of the room to another (or from a door frame). Tie a string to each apple's stem, and hang them from the "clothes line" string. It's a traditional Halloween game, and little kids may find it fun (and remember it as a Halloween tradition) - without the water. Make sure the supporting string is fastened securely.

Tell the children to close their eyes. (They won't, but they'll enjoy the game anyway.) Tell them to try to bite the apple but not to touch the apple or string. (They'll touch both, but they'll enjoy the game anyway.)

An alternative to hanging the apples could be mini-doughnuts (no, they're not healthy, but it's a party) or marshmallow candies.

Cut down and remove all strings once the game is over.

"Guess Which Paper Cup (a Halloween cup makes it nicer) Has Candy Under It" The name of this game says it all. Have children turn their backs while you place five or six cups upside down on a table, with candy under one. Tell them to turn around. Have one child at a time come to the table, guess until he guesses the correct cup. Give him a small prize "for being such a good guesser".

"Halloween Candy Hunt". This game is essentially the same as an Easter Egg hunt, only with Halloween candy or party favor. Hide candy (or other treat) or stickers or safe Halloween toy (mini-plastic pumpkins, for example) around the house. Have the children find them and place them in something like a Trick or Treat bag or a large bowl/basket. (A decorated bowl or basket add to the party atmosphere.) Once all the hidden treasure have been found give the children an age-appropriate prize "for being such a good 'finder'".

"Make A Pumpkin" Before the party, cut out circles (for the pumpkin's head, use orange construction paper or felt) and triangles (for its eyes, use any color but black is traditional). Cut out mouths. Hand out the pieces and have the children assemble their Jack-o-Lanterns. An adult can help each child fasten the pieces with rolled up or double-sided tape.

"Ring Around the Rosie" - Halloween Style. Have the children play "Ring Around the Rosie" to a cute Halloween song. If you don't have a preschool CD with a cute song on it, make up words for the "Ring Around the Rosie" song: "Ring around the Pumpkin. We are spooky munchkins. Hop scotch. Hop scotch. We all fall down."

A Halloween Story: Have the children sit in a circle (as much as they are willing to sit) and tell a brief, cute, Halloween story. Find some cute Halloween kittens or pumpkins (either pictures or toys), and read or act out the story. One such story might be about how a cute Halloween kitty went Trick or Treating and how people were surprised to see a kitty at their door, thought it was a child dressed up as kitty, and gave it candy until the kitty explained that she is a real cat (at which time they gave her kitty treats). Another story could be about a happy Jack-o-Lantern on a doorstep and all the different costumes came to visit. (The costumes would, of course, just happen to be the costumes the children at the party are wearing.)

Babies and Serious Falls - How to Reduce the Risks

2008-09-03T19:23:00.001-07:00

When babies are learning to stand or walk they're going to fall, and such falls seldom result in even tears, let alone injury. When it comes to falling, the serious concerns are the kind of falls that occur when babies fall from high furniture or tops of stairs, car hoods and roofs, or even a parent's arms. Other potentially serious falls occur when equipment or furniture tips.

My son was about a year old when he had apparently learned the meaning of the word, "high" and had heard the word, "hiding". He was in his room for a nap when I heard him him proudly calling, "High-din". I went to his open bedroom door and saw my little son happily straddling the crib rail. It was thoughtful of him to announce that he was enjoying new heights. It was a good thing, too, that in his future crib-rail adventures he favored me with that trademark call -- "High-din". That call made his riding the rails more a matter of his getting a head start on a prompt removal from the crib, rather than a danger.

This story illustrates what all mothers of babies eventually learn: Parents often have no idea their baby is capable of doing something until after the baby has done it (or even after he's done it and been seen doing it). While parents may have a false sense-of-security in believing their tiny five-month-old isn't very active, that infant may surprise them. My daughter was five months old when, from her infant seat, she learned to arch her back, turn to her side, and roll on out (sometimes bringing the seat along with her).

Babies can roll off, crawl off, walk off, or climb up and fall off just about anything. They can also tip out of, or tip over, most things in which they're placed. Other falling hazards include falling out, falling in, falling down in, and falling into just about anything. Common falling hazards are: changing tables, beds, strollers, tables, and even couches. (My brother was almost two when he used my parents' couch as a trampoline and launched himself through the glass in the French doors.)

Other common falling hazards are: stairs, bathtubs, toilet seat lids, counter tops, windows, and toys or other items that are stacked up precariously and then stood upon.

Preventing the risk of falling doesn't have to be difficult if the following points are kept in mind:

1. Babies and toddlers need constant watching. This may be the only real way to prevent serious falls. Children are not in the baby or toddler stage very long, and constant supervision of children this young is the only real to prevent serious injuries or even death. It is entirely possible to allow a child under two to play freely, while Mom or Dad keeps a watchful eye.

2. Always keep the possibility of a fall in mind. Every time your baby is in a new situation give that situation a split-second sizing up to determine if there's the chance of a fall. After sizing up the immediate situation a baby is in, ask yourself if there is the chance he will move himself from that situation to another one. Consider any situations into which he may be able to move himself and ask yourself if there are possible falling hazards in those. For example, if you place your seven-month-old safely on the living room rug you will immediately know he is safe on the rug in the middle of the floor. If there's a set of stairs nearby, however, there's also the chance he get himself over to those.

In a matter of just a couple of seconds you should be able to visually scan the area and see any potential risks of falling.

3. One of the most important things to keep in mind about preventing a baby from falling is to try to imagine what a baby might be able to do (and even what you think he can't possibly do), and address those possible risks, no matter how unlikely they seem. When you place your two-month-old on top of the changing table, don't

assume there is no way he can move himself to the edge and fall off.

NEVER turn your back on your baby when he's on a changing table or other high surface. ALWAYS keep your hand on him.

4. If your toddler can climb up on something he can fall from it. Arrange chairs and other furniture in a way that it doesn't provide "stairs" to higher furniture. A climbing child can easily get first to the dining room chair and from there, easily get on top of the table. If chairs are heavy they can be pushed in at the table. If they're light enough for a toddler to move, keeping them away from the table (and knowing if/when the baby tries moving them). This type of approach to preventing falls goes back to sizing up the immediate situation and the potential situation.

5. Particular awareness is especially important when it comes to windows. A couch in front of a window provides a toddler with easy access to the window. Open windows (including those with screens) and bay windows (which offer a place to stand) are of particular concern, nothing should be taken for granted when it comes to windows. Closed windows offer no insurance that a baby won't fall through them, and screens should never be counted on to hold the weight of a falling toddler.

6. Porches and balconies: A baby gate across the stairs of a porch is a good precaution but offers no guarantee. Baby gates should, of course, be installed securely. Permanent attachment is best, but even screws occasionally give way. It should not be assumed that even an extremely secure gate is enough prevent a toddler from falling from a porch.

Keep in mind, however, that it isn't always just the stairs the pose the risk of fall from porches. Depending on how the porch (or balcony) is designed, there can be rails and ledges from which a climbing toddler could easily fall. Babies should never be seated on a porch or balcony ledge "to see the view". It should also be kept in mind that seemingly strong rails can sometimes be pushed through, as a result of weakness, poor construction, or rot.

7. Unless your baby is asleep, never relax your arms when you're holding him. Most parents have experienced that time when their baby was sitting calmly on their lap and then made some unexpected, sudden, move. A similar thing can occur when carrying a baby. Many a parent's nose has suffered the blast of the back of a baby's head when the lap-sitting baby suddenly jerks backward. Skull fractures can occur from a height as low as a parent's arms, so remembering not to take even a calm baby's inactivity for granted is important.

8. The risk of falls in the bath tub can be reduced by never taking your hands off your baby while he's in the tub. Older toddlers should never be left unattended in a tub. Besides the risk of falls, there is always the risk of drowning in a bath tub, and that is another reason to keep close watch (and close hold on younger babies) when they're in the tub.

Slippery bath tub surfaces can contribute to falls, so a cloth diaper, towel and/or rubber mat make bath tubs safer.

Babies and toddlers should not be allowed to be in bathrooms without adult supervision. Slippery bathroom floors and hard porcelain toilets and bath tubs don't go well with babies and toddlers. It's too easy for new walkers to fall and hit their head on one of these hard surfaces.

If you need to bring your toddler into the bathroom with you, have him play safely on a bath rug while he's in the room. If that's not possible, at least be ready to get him away from the toilet and tub if he wanders too near them.

9. Don't place baby seats on counters, tables, car hoods, car roofs, or anything else from which they could fall. You may not think your baby can get himself out of the seat and fall; or you may not think he can tip the seat; but there's always the possibility he could do one or both of those things.

10. Stairs in your home or anywhere else: Crawling and walking babies/toddlers are always as risk of falling downstairs. Baby equipment (like walkers) and riding toys make falling downstairs that much more likely. Walkers and riding toys facilitate mobility, and they can tip.

Besides installing a good baby gate, having the baby in rooms or halls where there are no stairs is the wisest idea.

Keeping use of walkers and riding toys in areas where there are no stairs is important, and this can be done by closing a door or putting up a gate at the door of a room, in addition to putting one at the top of stairs.

Babies and toddlers need to learn to climb stairs, but a parent should be nearby when they do. Gating the bottom of staircases keeps a baby from getting himself up the stairs and then falling down.

11. When your baby is learning to walk make sure he practices on surfaces that make for softer falls. Carpet, grass, and sand are soft. Some inlaid floors or floor tiles are softer than others. Marble tile, stone, and blacktop are more dangerous.

Most of the times, new walkers don't hit their head. They usually just fall down in a heap. Occasionally, a toddler's fall will result in his hitting his head (usually when he tips over after falling down).

12. There is one other, different, kind of falling hazard that is often overlooked:

When toddlers are learning to walk they fall frequently. It is not uncommon for a toddler to fall on a sleeping pet. Many pets seem to understand that the child didn't intend harm. Many do nothing. Some will simply scoot away. Occasionally, when a pet is fallen on the wrong way it may react by scratching or biting. Keeping an eye on how close a new walker walks near a pet eliminates the remote possibility of an unpleasant incident.

What You Should Know About Hair/Thread Tourniquet Syndrome and Infants

2008-09-03T19:04:00.000-07:00

Hair/Thread Tourniquet Syndrome occurs when a hair or fiber becomes wrapped around an appendage (usually a finger or toe, although cases involving external genitalia have been reported), restricting blood flow and potentially damaging or amputating the appendage. More than one hair or fiber can form an encircling band as well.

This medical condition occurs more often in infants, although it can occur at any age (particularly in individuals of limited mental capacity). Most often it is recognized as an accidental occurrence; although, since cases of child abuse have been known to involve Hair/ Thread Tourniquet Syndrome, the possibility of child abuse must be considered by medical professionals. It is a relatively common condition in infants.

Redness and swelling may call attention to the problem. Babies may fuss or cry for several hours, with no other signs of illness. Among all the conditions that may cause a baby to cry for several hours, a hair or tourniquet strangulation should always be considered as well. Visually examining all of the baby's appendages may reveal a hair or fiber ligature. For this reason, babies' hands and feet should not be covered for long periods of time, without opportunity to see the fingers and toes.

It is the third finger and third toe that are most commonly affected by Hair/Thread Tourniquet Syndrome. When it occurs in a finger a thread is more often involved. When a toe or external genitalia are involved hair is more often the culprit.

An association has been made between the hair loss that mothers experience in the months following delivery and Hair/Thread Tourniquet Syndrome. In Pediatrics, Official Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics, R. Scott Strahlman, M.D. points out that making new mothers aware of this association could help reduce the incidence of Hair/Thread Tourniquet Syndrome. Mittens and fabrics that have been washed frequently have also been associated with the condition. Since babies' feet may be in socks and/or shoes, an encircling fiber or hair could easily go unnoticed for quite a while.

Detecting and removing the ligature early is important When an appendage becomes strangulated increased swelling can make detection of the hair or fiber difficult.

Swelling can contribute to the hair's or fiber's cutting through skin. The hair or thread may then become deeply embedded in subcutaneous tissue. Skin may then re-epithelialize (grow over) the subcutaneous hair. When this occurs the hair or fiber becomes obscured, making detection particularly difficult.

The damage that can result from the restriction of blood flow to an appendage is extremely serious. If an appendage has become strangulated it is a medical emergency. Removing the ligature may be as simple as using fine scissors or a depilatory agent to dissolve hair fibers, or, in the case of deeply embedded hairs/fibers, treatment may require surgery under general anesthesia. It is always vital that the appendage be carefully examined in order to be certain that the ligature has been complete removed.

In addition to not leaving booties, socks, or mittens on a baby for long periods of time, parents/caregivers can reduce the chances of fibers encircling fingers or toes by turning booties, socks, and mittens inside out and looking for signs of too many loose fibers. The fabric in blankets used on the baby is something else to consider.

Being aware of the possibility that a hair/fiber tourniquet can occur, and frequently checking to make sure your baby's appendages are free of hairs and fibers, is one way to reduce the possibility this extremely serious condition will occur.

Legos and Other Building Sets - Among the Best Toys for Kids

2008-08-16T04:53:00.000-07:00

If I were asked the question, "If you and your child were on a deserted island, and you could only bring one toy what would it be?" my answer would Legos. If I couldn't bring Legos I'd at least hope I could bring some other type of building set.

When children play with building sets they get to use their fine motor skills to build. They also, however, get to use their imaginations about what they are building. Building sets like Legos also have pieces in different colors and sizes, so children get to see differences between, say, the larger yellow pieces in a Duplo set and the smaller green pieces. Snap-together building sets show children how things can fit together to create a larger unit. When children build with someone else they sometimes learn to work with someone else and have fun playing with someone else, but sometimes they simply engage in parallel play and only "check in" with the other person from time to time. Still, this gives children the experience of expressing their own creativity while, at the same time, sharing that pleasant peacefulness of being near someone else.

One important and overlooked learning benefit that building offers children is the benefit of experiencing the fun of doing a sit-down/quiet activity that will hold the attention of the child for a good amount of time. (I have seen children who have been said to be "hyperactive" sit and play with Legos for every bit as long a period of time as my non-hyperactive children would. Whether or not such a child is really "hyperactive" or not isn't the point. The point is that even children of seemingly limited attention spans may sit for longer than they usually would and play with a toy like Legos.)

When young children experience that feeling of being engrossed in an activity they enjoy they will return to that activity time and time again. Every time a young child spends any length of time sitting and playing quietly while also experiencing the sense of enjoyment and fun that can come from imagining and "working" and just playing with the pieces of the building set he learns that he can have fun by doing things other than running around and jumping and generally acting "crazy" (which is also something children need but which doesn't do much in terms of building some important skills). Every time the activity of building something holds a child's attention for a long time his brain is gaining experience being focused. When the developing brain of a child gains repeated experience at something it is more likely to get better and better at doing the thing it is experiencing. The child who spends plenty of time at an activity that gives his brain experience at focusing, and gives the child experience with sitting quietly and entertaining himself, will benefit from this experience.

If I had to be on a deserted island with a young child, considering the fact that I'd have my ability to talk with him and hug him, and considering that I could find him a furry coconut to turn into a funny pet, I would want to choose Legos to have there too; because then my child would have much of what he would need to develop skills.

Important Items For A New Baby - My Top-Ten List

2008-08-15T05:22:00.000-07:00

The top ten items a new mom needs are in no particular order because all of these items are important):

Two dozen cloth diapers to be used as all-purpose cloths (such as to cover a shoulder to protect against spit-up, place in the baby's bath to prevent it from being too slippery and cold)

One bassinet or crib with mattress and sheet

One car seat

Disposable diapers

Several (at least six) sleepers for the baby

Several (at least six) undershirts for the baby

Receiving blankets (four may do, six is better)

Bottles (even if there are no immediate plans to use them)

One baby comforter or bunting

Either a summer hat or a sweater/hat set for colder weather

Making School More Engaging - Just Some Thoughts

2008-08-15T05:07:00.000-07:00

The best way to make learning fun (or at least engaging) is to find a way to help students relate to what is being taught. One of the biggest factors that contributed to boredom in my own education was the fact that teachers often seemed to overlook students' need/wish to see how the material applies to them and/or their life or world.

A glaring example is my seventh-grade science teacher. He was not a bad teacher (and I wasn't a bad student); but as he stood up and announced that we would be learning about the amoeba, he failed to offer the very basic information about where an amoeba could be found. Being a science teacher, he could easily have not realized that some of us had never heard of an amoeba before, of course. Still, as I went about learning about the nucleus and the fact that an amoeba reproduces by simply dividing itself, I kept wondering where an amoeba could be found.

As stupid as this seems now, I wondered if an amoeba could be found in the air, on plants, or on our skin.

As the days wore on, and he didn't mention where, exactly, one would find an amoeba, I did not have the courage to raise my hand to ask; because by that time I would have looked stupid not to have asked days earlier. We moved on to paramecium, and this teacher never mentioned where paramecium could be found either. I learned all the parts of an amoeba, paramecium, and any other simple life form and did well on all the quizzes, but it would have been more engaging if the teacher had done a better job of helping the class understand what an amoeba or paramecium do in this world and where such things are found. (Ironically, I found myself working with an infectious disease group years later, providing information on amebiasis.)

Then there were the history or social studies teachers, who placed emphasis on memorizing dates and names. Some expected students to supplement this memorizing by reading everything else in the book on their own. Textbooks are not known for being the most engaging reading in the world, so I came to history and social studies as a matter of either boring memorization or boring reading.

As a student, I, for one, hoped I'd get teachers who were lively and interesting. I saw teachers' using class time for anything other than interesting discussion as wasting precious class time. When teachers tried to use class time to talk about the material. but droned on and on to the point of torture, I saw that as a waste of time too. Then there were teachers who used up class time to talk about things other than the subject they were supposed to be teaching. Again, as a student, I resented this waste of time. All I ever wanted was a teacher who made the material engaging, but finding that was rare. (My son was a preschooler when he loved to watch Julia Child's program on television. He loved, "This Old House," and "The Frugal Gourmet" as well. What these programs had in common was a host that made the subject engaging and showed how it would apply to real life.)

As an adult with interest in history, I can now look back and realize that what was missing were teachers who knew how to tell an interesting story, present historical figures as real people, and tie together the present with which I was familiar with the past that led to it.

When discussing Algebra, most of us have heard more than one student say, "It's boring. When will I ever use this in real life?" The student who has no plans to attend college, or the one who plans to enroll in a fine arts program, may believe Algebra is only for those entering a math-related field. Math teachers may explain to students how Algebra is a "different way to solve problems". What they may overlook is explaining that Algebra teaches a different way of thinking that can also be used in solving some non-math-related problems in life.

In the earliest grades teachers are often better at trying to help young students see how what they learn applies to life, but when students get to secondary school (where teachers often teach one subject) teachers can seem to forget that the one subject for which they are responsible, and with which they are very familiar, may be new to students; and one of the best ways to capture a student's interest in a new subject is to first show them how that subject applies to them (and their life and world). For students, the subject any teacher teaches may well not be one in which the student has particular interest. The science teacher who teaches science because he finds it fascinating sometimes doesn't seem to realize that most of his students haven't yet developed equal enthusiasm for the subject. Learning anything can be fun if we see it as applying to our own lives. Being offered a string of seemingly unrelated bits of information under the umbrella of one subject or another, without benefit of having an explanation of real-life applications and purpose, is neither fun nor interesting.

I believe that offering more subjects and more substance to primary-school students would offer increased chances of captivating more students earlier; while offering better training to secondary-school teachers could result in more engaging class lectures/discussions.

As things have been over at least the last few decades, parents can send enthusiastic, hopeful, children into school systems, only to have that enthusiasm transformed into a sense of duty (at best) and a sense of boredom (or worse) as each school year passes. While a relatively small percentage of students may be able to remain enthusiastic enough to find school fun, that is generally not the majority of students (not even those who get good grades).

Helping Kids Learn Multiplication - Ideas For Parents

2008-08-15T04:43:00.000-07:00

The following type of approach is a combination of ways I, myself, learned, as well as approaches that helped my children learn. It jumps around more than many educators would most likely choose, and it involves simultaneously working on different exercises. The advantage of it, however, is that the task of mastering the easiest-to-learn information is disposed of fairly quickly, leaving only a relatively few "trickier" pieces of information to be learned at the end of the process.

It may be easier for a child to learn to count by 2's, 3's, 4's, etc. (up to counting by 10's), without having to digest the concept of a multiplication table at the same time. Using a sing-song rhythm to teach counting by numbers others than 1 can make learning easier. If the child can easily progress from counting by 2's on up to counting by 9's, great. Not all children can easily and/or quickly get beyond counting by 5's. That's why aiming for the child to at least learn to county by 2's, 5's, and 10's make good first steps. Learning counting by 3's and 4's should follow. Counting by 6's, 7's, 8's and 9's can wait for a while.

Teaching a child to count by 2's until reaching 20 will familiarize him with everything up to 10 times 2.

Teaching him to count by 3's to 30 will, of course, familiarize him with up to 10 times 3.

Repeating this process for each number from 1 through 10, and telling the child, "You can learn how to count by numbers other than one" can make that much of this particular learning task seem less overwhelming. After all, he's only learning the "nifty" trick of counting by other numbers (and there are, after all, only numbers to remember each time a child learns to count by another number).

Not expecting the child to learn to count by different numbers all at once gives a child time to learn to count by one or two numbers well before trying to take in more information. Presenting counting by different numbers by comparing it to going upstairs two or three stairs at a time may help the child see counting by other numbers as "advanced" and particularly skilled.

Since counting "by 1's" is something the child learning multiplication already knows, that number is already taken of. Counting by 2's can be relatively easily for a child to learn, particularly if he keeps in mind that he's simply "skipping one step".

Showing a child how counting by 10's is easy will most likely result in his learning to do that fairly quickly. Showing him how counting by 10's is the same as counting by 1's and adding a zero should make him confidently master counting by 10's.

Counting by 5's can be easy if a child learns that all he has to do is think of how the numbers will start with 5 (of course) and then alternate when it comes to whether they end in 5 or 0. It is usually easy for a child to see that he simply counts from single digit numbers on up through the teens (with a 1 in front), twenties (with a 2 in front), etc. etc.

During the days when you're trying to teach the child to count by 2, 5, and 10, it may help to add a little time "playing with" 20 nickels. Pointing out how 5 nickels make 25 cents, and having the child count by 5's as he adds nickels will eventually lead to his becoming very familiar with multiplying by 5. Once he has become very comfortable with counting by 5's pointing out that he "happens" to now also know that 4 nickels (5's) make 20 cents AND that five 4's ALSO make 20.

Letting him practice by counting six nickels, seven nickels, etc. (up to the 20 nickels) should get him very comfortable not only with "The 5's", but with "how it all works". It can boost confidence when a child discover that he get "all the way up" to ten nickels and realize that 10 times 5 is just a matter of adding a 0 to the 5 he "already had".

Letting the child see what 8 nickels amounts to when he counts by 5, what 16 nickels amounts to when he counts by 5, can help. Having him divide up something like 16 nickels into two groups of 8 or four groups of 4, and then counting each pile by 5 should help him understand even more "how it all works".

Once a child has gotten this far, it may be a good time to draw up the lines for a multiplication table and letting him fill in what he already knows. Since he already knows 1 times any number, may have learned to count by 2's (and so knows 2 times any number), and probably knows 5's inside and out; filling in that much of the table should be relatively easy. Since he also probably learned 10's easily, that's another column that is easy to fill in.

Pointing out how easy filling in the 11's column is should take care of that very quickly. (Mentioning how 11 times any number can be figured out by thinking of 10 times the number and adding that number to it shows what multiplying by 11 means. Showing the child how to count by 11's will let him see the pattern to how 11's "work".)

It can help him see a pattern if you then point out how since he learned (through all that playing with nickels) that 6 nickels makes 30 cents, he also knows that 5 times 6 also makes 30. At this point he will have enough of his table filled in to perhaps start to see a pattern, as well as make the connection between moving nickels around and multiplying.

At this point, bringing out a pile of pennies and letting him see what 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, (etc) groups of 3, 4, 6, 7, 8, and 9 pennies look like may be helpful. Over the course of a few days he can probably learn to count by 3's, 4's, and 6's. Bringing out the table he started and having him fill in anything new he has learned will result in his seeing the table increasingly complete and, ideally, in understanding what it all means.

What is left to be learned, at this point, is a small portion of the table involving multiplying some 6's, 7's, 8', and 9's (by numbers higher than 5 and not including 10). Then, of course, the 12's must be learned. This is where using a separate sheet of paper to show, for example, "counting by 8's" and then "counting by 12's", and returning to the sing-song memorization can help.

Flash cards and playing with pennies are very useful as well.

Once the child has learned multiplication facts and has filled in the table he's been working on, encourage him to make smaller versions of the table just to keep him from forgetting. Having him "just make a table for the 4's" or "just make one for 6's through 9's" can help. Challenging the child to create one for "the 20's" or "the 100's" will further help him see how numbers work.

Inventing games to play, using coins (pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters), can reinforce what's he's learned. Coins, playing with them, rearranging them, and inventing games with them, can be useful for learning more about math later.

Like math, itself, describing the process of teaching it can make it seem far more complicated than it really is.

All it really requires is:

The simple memorization of counting by any number (rather than expecting memorization of all the multiplication facts of a child who is having difficulty memorizing them).

Hands-on experience creating and eventually filling in a multiplication table, which helps show how "it all works".

Hands-on experience with moving coins around, seeing what numbers represent, and seeing what multiplication actually means, how it amounts to counting by any number, and how it relates to adding.

Memorization of remaining facts with the help of counting by larger numbers or flash cards.

Practice exercises involving creating tables and playing with coins for the purpose of gaining a more solid knowledge and expanding knowledge of math in the future.

When children learn the "trick" of getting the easier material out of the way first, they will see how what they're left with is not as overwhelming as it once seemed to be.

When children can easily memorize math facts that's great and will probably result in their doing well on tests. When they learn "how it all works" and "what it all represents", however, they are more likely to math (not just memorization) interesting and easy to learn.

Recess During The School Day - Important Or Too Dangerous?

2008-08-15T04:38:00.000-07:00

With the exception of those neighborhoods known for high rates of violence and drug use among many primary-school kids, recess contributes to healthy peer socialization. It also gives kids a chance to take a break from class work, get some fresh air, and be a little more invigorated before returning to class.

Many kids, however, would benefit if schools would have, and enforce, a some basic rules about behavior at recess.

When my children were in elementary school I volunteered to act as a "recess mother" at my son's school. I was shocked to discover, though, how much recess had changed since I attended public school. When I was in elementary school there were those basic rules about behavior. While active play (like jump rope and kick ball) was encouraged, "wild play" (like running around and chasing other people, "wrestling", climbing fences and trees) was not permitted. Bad language was certainly not permitted. Old fashioned as this was, the girls had one side of the school yard. The boys had the other side. Girls didn't have physical fights. On the relatively rare occasion when a physical fight broke out between boys those fights were dealt with as if they were serious matters.

When I spent my first recess at my son's suburban school I was amazed to discover that "anything goes" seemed to be the only rule for behavior. "Wild play" was engaged in by, I'm guessing, about a third of the children. Two grown-up looking sixth-grade girls (who were almost as tall as I was and probably weighed 30 lbs more) wrestled on the muddy ground. They were both wearing obviously expensive, new looking, clothes and jackets. I couldn't believe that they didn't care much about their nice clothes, apparently lacked the self-respect and dignity that one hopes girls that age would have, and apparently were pretty used to wrestling with other girls. I thought about how much their parents must have spent on those clothes, and how these girls seemed oblivious to that.

There were, of course, some kids who were talking or playing something civilized. What surprised me was the percentage of kids who were not. What surprised me more was watching the teachers, who stood on the outskirts of the school yard, talking with other teachers. Clearly, what they were seeing wasn't something they saw as bad behavior.

When recess ended I passed by the school secretary's desk. She asked about how my first recess had gone. I said something to indicate that I had enjoyed it (liar that I sometimes am). She then laughed and made some remark like, "Its an education, isn't it?" Not only was it an "education". It was a free-for-all, a circus, a zoo. More seriously, it was a situation that set up conditions just right for uncivilized, crude, and even anti-social behavior. More significantly, a situation where that behavior is allowed and/or ignored is a situation where kids are not learning proper socialization. The wild behavior, itself, may not be all that horrible a thing; but when schools don't have the expectation of civilized behavior kids learn that uncivilized behavior is appropriate in the school or group setting.

I thought back to my own recess days and thought about how we all played and had a great time. Uncivilized behavior was a rare occurrence, and kids who engaged in it were kids who were generally "troubled". All the "regular" kids went with the program, behaved civilly, and generally had a good time playing constructively. Sure, there were the inevitable spats between girls, but learning to deal with spats is a skill children need to learn for the adult life. Getting all dressed up in new clothes and rolling around mud with someone else is not.

It is possible for a school to set some basic rules of behavior for recess, and it is possible to properly supervise recess. (The old fashioned separation of girls and boys allowed teachers to keep more of an eye on "The Boys' Side", which made sense, since a large group of boys generally has a higher activity level than a large group of girls does.)

What would be possible for schools, and the way recess used to be, though, are not the way recess is today. Recess today is less civilized. It is often more dangerous. It is also filled with children who are aware of a number of seedier issues, while children of previous generations were more innocent. Even with all that, though, recess is still an important part of the socialization process.

Most kids would benefit if schools made recess a little more civilized. In those schools known for particularly high numbers of troubled kids from troubled homes, it may be wise to add more structured activities to recess. Some schools may even serve students best by eliminating outdoor recess entirely. This would be true where genuine danger is present at recess.

As for the majority of schools, recess is too important a part of the socialization process to eliminate it. Parents and teachers could make the recess experience a more valuable one by taking steps to improve the overall behavior at recess.